Friday jokes

[Rhys]

Hone Harawera and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hone told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hone sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

“What happened to you?”, asked Hone.
“Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me,” said the driver.

“My God, what did you tell them?”, asks Hone.

The driver replies, “I’m Hone Harawera's driver, and I've just killed the pig.”

[Swoop]

A young lion was talking to an older lion just before they were to be let into the Roman Forum for the final showdown with the Christians.

"This is the first time for me, I'm not sure what I should do," said the younger lion.

The older lion says, "It's easy: you run up to the Christians and roar as load as you can and take a swipe at them with your paw, just before you eat them!"

"Why all the theatrics?" asks the younger lion. "Shouldn't we just eat them?"

The older lion shakes his head, "NO, it's better to scare the shit out of them first... they taste better that way!"

[caspernz]

So when I take a fat chick skinny dipping, what is it called? Not really sure...

But when I asked my buddy where to take a fat chick for some skinny dipping, and he said Kaikoura it all became clear.

[Banditbandit]

A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi in a small town have been playing chess together ion Thursday nights for many years. On this particular Thursday night the priest says to his friend: “We’ve known each other for a long time now, so I feel comfortable asking this – can I ask you a personal question?”

The Rabbi replies; “Sure, we’ve known each other a long time so ask away."

“Well,” says the priest, “have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes,” replies the rabbi. “I have to admit that the week before I became a Rabbi I sneaked out to the local Cobb and Co and had a big feed of roast pork.”

The play a few moves and the Rabbi says: “well, now that you have asked me that, there is a question I have always wanted to ask you.”

“I think I know what you are going to ask, but ask away,” the priest says.

“Well, have you ever slept with a woman?”

“That’s what I thought you were going to ask, and yes. The week before I accepted ordination I sneaked out of the seminar, visited the house of ill-repute. So yes, I have slept with a woman.”


They play a few moves and the Rabbi says: “Better than pork isn’t it …”

[_Shrek_]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men
will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

[cc rider]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '

[swtfa]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: - 'A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?'

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."

The Australian got the job...!!!!!!!!

[unstuck]

[YellowDog]

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you !" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you !"

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again.

The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, " What the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ? "

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place and is showing his gratitude to you."

[Swoop]

Just beware of voting "yes" Scotland. Once the yanks know you have oil, some muslims are there and you're not part of England anymore...

[Reckless]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the A & P Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize," but they awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells!!

[cc rider]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!!!

[cc rider]

I apologize now peeps



A hungry man walked into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sat at the counter and noticed a Jock alongside with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese.
After ten minutes, the hungry man bravely asked, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turned his head toward the young bloke and said, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young fellow reached over and sliding the bowl over to his place, he started spooning it in with delight.
He got almost down to the last spoonful when he noticed a dead mouse in the bottom.
The sight was so shocking, he immediately puked up the spaghetti into the bowl.

The old Jock said, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[gjm]

TV listings in Scotland post-independence...

[Swoop]

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'.