Friday jokes

[pzkpfw]

TV listings in Scotland post-independence...

17th? That's before the vote. (And seems to have not worked).

[roogazza]

I apologize now peeps
A hungry man walked into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sat at the counter and noticed a Jock alongside with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese.
After ten minutes, the hungry man bravely asked, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turned his head toward the young bloke and said, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young fellow reached over and sliding the bowl over to his place, he started spooning it in with delight.
He got almost down to the last spoonful when he noticed a dead mouse in the bottom.
The sight was so shocking, he immediately puked up the spaghetti into the bowl.
The old Jock said, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

Gotta spread some ! sick I know.

[_Shrek_]

Husbands emergency message to his wife on his mobile:

"Honey, a car has hit me on my way out of the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong. Fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,
but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wifes Response:
Who the **** is Paula?

[roogazza]

[gjm]

A darts player was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says "I have some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My darts playing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

Doc says "The good news is, I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," the man says. "As long as I can play darts again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out in his local throwing a mean set of darts when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hello, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," the chap says. "I'm throwing the best darts of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my doubles finishes have really improved."

"That's such good news," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," the man continued, "but my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes, and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolour."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"There's just one problem," says the chap. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

[gjm]

[cc rider]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following with loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "Are you OK??!"
"I'm great! I just won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

[_Shrek_]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a framers market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.



Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, and before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continue to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that his sons manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business has grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor
than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

[cc rider]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was;
but useless in a fight.'

[_Shrek_]

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that
if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and
other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut
off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.


If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any
more presidents.

It's gonna get ugly, folks............

[gjm]

[cc rider]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING


Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[gjm]

Dear Sir,

On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is “Fact Hunt”.

Yours sincerely,
...

[gjm]

For sale - Peppa Pig jigsaw puzzle.

[roogazza]