Friday jokes

[Geeen]

Roogazza, you posted that Labrador backpack pic a couple days ago......

[roogazza]

Roogazza, you posted that Labrador backpack pic a couple days ago......

oh shit. Fixed !!!

[gjm]

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold.

When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.

Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said anything about women?"

[gjm]

[YellowDog]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between
this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ...
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

[Swoop]

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

[cc rider]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin .......
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

[Juniper]

How Much Lube Do You Need For Anal Sex?

A Buttload!!!

[Juniper]

“A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”

[nadroj]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the
law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell
me you had a prescription."

[nadroj]

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

[YellowDog]

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so He asks his father
"Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if
she'd sleep with Dan Carter for a million Bucks."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with Dan Carter for a Million Bucks."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would
too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Dan Carter for a million Bucks."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million Bucks.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

[roogazza]