Friday jokes

[gjm]

A man has been found guilty of stealing full stops.

The judge says he's facing a long sentence.

[YellowDog]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers "the taxidermists" who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[_Shrek_]

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets at my
local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I
should place my credit card in the card reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.

[YellowDog]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says, "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

[Reckless]

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God.
“You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

[gjm]

The new Back to the Future trailer has hit the streets...

[HandyAndy]

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets at my
local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I
should place my credit card in the card reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.

That just made my day.........thnx Mr.S

[Swoop]

I call my penis Oscar Pistorius.

It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Just when Oscar Pistotius thought it couldn't get any worse.

He gets allocated the top bunk!


Oscar Pistorius found out last night just how uncomfortably narrow those prison beds are.
Although he can't complain about the legroom.


"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[Geeen]

Read from Right to Left.......

[anebv8]

On my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gjm]

An insect just flew into our kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy long legs.

[Juniper]

A blonde was walking down the sidewalk, when she saw this shiny round thing in a store window.
Well of course, she just had to know what it was.
She went inside, and asked the clerk, what that thing in the window was.
After figuring out what the item in question was, the clerk told her it was a thermos. Well of course, she just had to know what it was for.
The clerk told her, it kept hot things hot, and old things cold.
Well of course, she just had to have one, so she bought it.
The next day, the blonde was walking down the sidewalk, shiny new thermos in her hand, when a blonde walking the other way stopped her.
The other blonde wanted to know what the shiny thing she was carrying was.
So she explained that it was a thermos, and it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold.
The second blonde was amazed, then wanted to know if it worked.
The first blonde said she wasn't sure, as she had just bought it the day before.
The second blonde asked what she had inside, to which the first blonde responded with a smile,
"Two cups of coffee, and a popsicle."

[Juniper]

A blonde pulls into a body shop in tears. The customer service rep walks over to see what the problem is.
Between sobs, the blonde tells him she drove through a hail storm, and now her brand new car is covered with dents.
The rep knew it would be a few days before they could do any work on her car, so decided to have a little fun with her.
He told her everything would be ok, and they could have her car looking as good as new within the week.
He took her inside and set an appointment for her to drop off the car, and as he walked her back outside, he told her she might be able to fix it herself.
She brightened at this and asked how.
He told her to go home and give the car an hour to cool off.
Then he pointed to the exhaust pipe and told her to blow into it, and perhaps she could pop out all the dents.
So she went home, and about an hour later, she went out, and started blowing on the exhaust pipe.
About that time her roommate, also a blonde, pulled up.
She walked over, and asked the first blonde what she was doing.
The first blonde told the second, she was trying to blow the dents out of her car.
The second blonde said that won't work silly...you have to roll the windows up first.