Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know,
I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now
and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw
ten $100 bills out of the window and
make 10 people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw
one hundred $10 bills out of the window
and make 100 people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all 3 of them out of the window
and make 256 million people very happy.'

[Juniper]

A little old Jewish man was taking walking along the shore at Brighton Beach as he had done for many years and he spotted a funny looking bottle half buried in the sand. He pulled it up, and looked at it. It was like nothing he’d ever seen, but it was all crusted with sand and dirt so he took it up the boardwalk and hosed it off. As he was rubbing it dry, POOF! Out popped a genie.

“Oy vey,” moaned the genie stretching. “Mine back is a mess I tell you. You’d think that they would give a senior level genie with my seniority a little roomier office after all dees years.”

The little man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. “Goot Got… you are a genie? And a Jewish one no less?”

“Dat’s me mine friend. My grandparents moved here from Minsk a thousand years or so. Our whole family has been genies for so long I can’t remember.”

The genie looked at the little man. “So mine friend and master, what is your name?”

“Simon.” said the little man, still a bit in shock.

“So mine friend Simon, DIS is your lucky day. You can have a vish, any vish you want.”

The little man replied, “Just one vish? What happened to da three vishes? Are you some sort of discount genit?”

“Don’t make with the wise cracks Simon, Dat went out years ago with inflation. You get one vish. You should be so grateful. How many guys get their biggest vish. I can give you anything you ever wanted and hoped for, but you only get one. So make it good one mine friend.”

Simon thought hard. He felt like he shouldn’t be greedy, but should wish for something that would make everyone’s life better.”

“I got it!” he finally announced. “All mine life I’ve seen so much trouble in the Holy Land and so I vish for a lasting peace in the Middle East.”

The genie sat down on the bench next to Simon and put his arm around him. “Simon, mine dear newest friend, you should know that I am a senior level genie who has been in dis business for centuries. I’ve been to every training program and seminar der is for genies. But listen to vhat I tell you. The Middle East has been a mess for thousands of years. Those people, all of dem, are mashugana. Trying to get them to live in peace is about impossible even for an expert genie like myself. Dis, I don’t think I can accomplish. Please, think of something I can accomplish.”

Simon thought some more and said, “I got it. I’ve been married to my dear wife Zelda for 50 years, who by da vay is also from Minsk. She’s a good woman. She cooks for me and does my laundry. She takes care of me when I’m sick. I’m grateful for our years together. But, just once in all of our 50 years of marriage and before I die, I vish she would once get on her knees and give me a good blowjob.”

The genie sighs and says, “Good Got Simon. We’re going to have to go back to that peace in the Middle East thing.”

[Juniper]

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

[YellowDog]

I've undertaken a full review of my home security system and decided to cut costs by tearing out my alarm system, monitoring, and even de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.

I've now got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one in each corner and a black flag of ISIL in the centre.

The local police and other intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

[YellowDog]

Why crows die on roads: -

Researchers for the NZ Transport Agency found over 200 dead crows in the Waikato area recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

NZTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "truck."

[Juniper]

One evening grandma and grandpa are sitting on the front porch rocking away in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden grandma stops rocking and smacks grandpa upside the back of his head. He says, "OW! What was that for?". Grandma says, "That's for all of those years of bad sex!"

They go back to rockin' away until grandpa stops, smacks grandma upside the back of her head and she asks, "Old man, what was that for?".

Grandpa says, "That's for knowing the difference!".

[Swoop]

The bank won't sponsor my charity to raise money for myopic kids born outside marriage.

Short-sighted bastards.

[Juniper]

Roses are red. Nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. Pants go down.
Body to body. Skin to skin.
When it't stiff you stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet.
The longer it's in the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and starts to sage.
It's not what you think...
It's just a tea bag.

[Juniper]

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."

[Juniper]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

[Juniper]

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."
The priest says,

"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.

[Reckless]

This might resonate with a few of you:
The Labour Department, Division of Labor Standards claimed a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
FARMER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 4 years. I pay him $295 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
FARMER: That would be me.

[Black Knight]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBxjelZ9R_c

One for Halloween

[cc rider]

An Australian is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order "a VB thanks", she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift, he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders VB and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders VB but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[husaberg]

How do deaf people have phone sex?













By fax.