Friday jokes

[Maha]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Banditbandit]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

John Key ???

[Swoop]

If someone says "You look familiar,"

Just ask, "Were we in prison together?"

[Big Dog]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Sex after marriage?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[Drew]

If someone says "You look familiar,"

Just ask, "Were we in prison together?"

Rookie.

The correct response is. "Oh, do you watch a lot of porn"?

[sidecar bob]

Rookie.

The correct response is. "Oh, do you watch a lot of porn"?

I always thought it was "I was the drummer in Supergroove"

[Drew]

I always thought it was "I was the drummer in Supergroove"

That comes if they deny watching a lot of porn.

[Juniper]

It has come to the attention of upper management that the federal government has been investigating our company for possible violations of several federal regulations, including minimum wage and hour laws. Further, We have received a cease and desist order from OSHA and the Bureau of Labor Relations. This is intolerable and we are taking immediate steps to correct these disturbing developments!

In order to comply with this mandatory injunction, and to avoid severe repercussions and heavy fines, the following company policies are to be put in force immediately: No longer shall unpaid workers be referred to as indentured servants or slaves (especially in writing or electronically stored data). The new designation for these people is now ''permanent intern with automated unlimited contract renewal".

All federally required 'work breaks' and so-called 'lunch' breaks shall be observed. Employees shall catch up on any overdue paperwork or data entry during this idle time. No employee shall be required to work more than 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Any supervisor violating this regulation, will be suspended immediately WITH PAY! Repeat offenders of this rule may receive verbal reprimands or further paid suspensions at our discretion.. however, your performance bonus will not be affected.

All workers under the level of junior supervisor shall schedule unpaid time off NO LESS THAN ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE. NO EXCEPTIONS other than the death of the employee, in which case only one week (7 days) minimum advance notice shall apply in order to find a replacement worker. (Special note: preference to be given to permanent interns with automated unlimited contract renewal.)

Voting (for company recommended candidates) is strongly encouraged here at REPOOBLI-KON INDUSTRIES, LLC. Any employee may take a 2 hour PAID work leave in order to do your civic duty. WHISTLEBLOWERS ARE TO BE ENCOURAGED: No employee shall be disciplined or reprimanded for turning in a fellow employee found to be shirking their duty or responsibility to the company. Exceptions include, but are not necessarily limited to: anyone holding a supervisory position higher than your own.

We here at REPOOBLI-KON hope we have made our company stand and corporate view clear on these matters. We want all our workers to have a safe, comfortable and productive employment environment. Now... GET BACK TO WORK! And.. have a nice day, ladies and gentlemen. d:-)

Sincerely,
Wee B. Fukkinem-Gude,
CEO and President, REPOOBLI-KON INDUSTRIES, LLC.

[Juniper]

Once, a Christian Priest walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Christian Priest asked;
"How much, my dear Barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Priest smiled, thanked the barber and walked out. An hour later the priest came back with a bible as a gift.

That next day, a Muslim Cleric walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Muslim Cleric asked;
"How much, my dear Barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Muslim Cleric smiled, thanked the barber and walked out.
An hour later, the Muslim Cleric came back with a Quran as a gift.

That next day, a Rabbi walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Rabbi asked;
"How much, my dear barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Rabbi ran outside.
An hour later, the barber found 3 new Rabbis in his shop.

[Juniper]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table:

- a Bible

- a silver dollar

- a bottle of whiskey

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,"he's gonna run for Congress.

[unstuck]

Forget about the new bike, it's time for a new wife.

[Swoop]

The Ku Klux Klan.

Worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use!

[munster]

Sex after marriage?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

True story, last week here in Ohakune for work, went to The Clyde for a Speights. It was served with a generous amount of foam. Usual me engages mouth before brain and out comes "Woah, that's more head than the wife gives me!"

[Moi]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[roogazza]