Friday jokes

[Scuba_Steve]

A true story...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Bandit ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

[unstuck]

Akkys missus??

[Laava]

The barman says "We don't serve time travellers here".

A man walks into a bar.

"..........................
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt.
The bartender asks, "What's that for?"

The pirate responds; "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

[Maha]

Akkys missus??

Only if that's mutton dressed as.....ah who am I kidding...it's mutton

[Laava]

Only if that's mutton dressed as.....ah who am I kidding...it's mutton

Plenty mutton up this way boyeeeeee!
Primed up, ready rolled and up for a good old basting!

[gjm]

I asked the wife to dress up as one of my favourite Star Wars characters for some sexy birthday fun.

When I walked into the bedroom, I was shocked.
'Darling', I said, 'that fat twat Jabba the Hutt is NOT one of my favourite Star Wars characters!'

'You wanker!' she shouted, 'I haven't got dressed yet!'

[mossy1200]

Anyone for lube?

[Moi]

Anyone for lube?

That's brilliant...

[Juniper]

My wife recently found out she suffers from both diabetes and hay fever.
I have tried to cheer her up by sending gifts, you know; flowers, chocolates.

'What's the worst that could happen?' read the label on that Dr Pepper.
Quite a lot, it appears. I'm diabetic.

So if jack frost is the imp of winter isnt jack frosting the imp of diabetes.

[Juniper]

Little Johnny had a Brother , his name was Little Bill. Now if its possible Little Bill had a worse mouth on him than Little Johnny ever did.
One morning , after countless letters from the school, innumerable embarrassing moments in places like the Grocery, the Pharmacy, the Police station and even in church, their poor mother decided to put a stop to it. She told the boys in no uncertain terms that any more foul language from them was going to be met with serious consequences. She then kissed them good night and sent them to bed.
Morning came and both Bill and Johnny came down for breakfast. Their mother asked what they would like to which Bill replied " Ma I want some fuckin pancakes"

Having warned her children the night before , Mother swung the frying pan and clocked Little Bill upside the head, hard enough to put him on his backside on the floor. Turning to Little Johnny she asked "What would you like for Breakfast?"

Johnny looked at his mother still holding the frying pan and said " Cereal is fine, cause you are obviously not in the mood to make no fuckin pancakes"

[husaberg]

What do you call a New Zealander who moves to Australia and becomes and international celebrity through movies, music or sport? An Australian.

[Juniper]

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

[Juniper]

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[Juniper]

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 plus the tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says, "Gawd a'
mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

[Swoop]

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."