Friday jokes

[Juniper]

-Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They're probably right.
I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.

-Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

-Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

-Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

[Juniper]

A plane was carrying a load of Congressmen back to Washington when it disappeared off radar in bad weather. After frantic searching and computer modeling of the flight paths, they finally decided that it must have gone down in western Oklahoma, near the town of Watonga. The FAA then contacted the Blaine County sheriff, who, upon hearing the approximate location, figured out that it was old Fred Smith's wheat field, a particularly remote place down a partially-gravelled dirt section road.

The road was almost impassible in places, but thanks to the miracle of four wheel drive, the sheriff was able to get through. When he finally arrived on the scene, he saw the old man had just finished filling the last of about twenty graves.

"Well, Fred, it looks like something really bad happened here."

"Yup. I was out on the back forty when it started to rain, so I made for the hay barn over here. About the time I got here, I seen this plane come screamin' over the treetops, then it just plowed into my field over yonder. I recognized some of the passengers from the TV, and I saw a whole bunch of official looking papers, so I figured they must be Congressmen."

"Yep, that's what they were. I see you've buried a bunch of 'em. Are they all dead?"

"Well, a few of them claimed they wasn't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[Juniper]

The police department in the small hill country town
of Fredericksburg , TX, reported finding a man's body
last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales
River near the state highway-87 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until
his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer
consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville. He
was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked
heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick,
dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his
family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Juniper]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and
think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

During my prostate exam I asked my doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there by mine" was NOT the answer I was expecting!!!

[YellowDog]

mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are
really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised
and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got
a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Swoop]

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

...Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

[husaberg]

How do you spot a guy from Gore in a shoe shop
He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.

[unstuck]

Hmmm, Moccasins.

[Robbo]

AC/DC Hits by Phil Rudd

[Smifffy]

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualified, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.
So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, "Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky."
The man smiles and says,"Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away." So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.
The manager frowns, "Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms."
The man chuckles, "Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye constantly winking?"

[Juniper]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And poof she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and poof she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipilini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

[Juniper]

I am now getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some
would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant
spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped
to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought.....

"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"

[Swoop]

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off!