Friday jokes

[Juniper]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

[Juniper]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-
and-Weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, but it has turned black.

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up
there, it'll grow some more!"

[Juniper]

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy
quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said,
"Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is
seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you
say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you never did ....

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something
when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

[Juniper]

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest! The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

[unstuck]

[anebv8]

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her
parents beamed and said "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the
lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you
over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the
eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said "Welcome to the National Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me

[Juniper]

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy ?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door! So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her but he had to pee first. And the lazy sob peed out the window right onto my head!"
'Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land ? On my forehead!''
''Damn, that really is bad!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up any ones day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down..

I saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground

[Swoop]

D
E
K
C
U
F


That's fucked up.

[Big Dog]

D
E
K
C
U
F


That's fucked up.

Any one else read that in Cheech Marins voice?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[Drew]

Any one else read that in Cheech Marins voice?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

Not till now.


Bwahahahahahahahaha

[Juniper]

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[Juniper]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over

there instead of you."

[Juniper]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.