Friday jokes

[Banditbandit]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' - and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush,

C) Magpie,

D) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple ˆ it's s a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[crazyhorse]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before
she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Swoop]

Twilight...
Back in my day vampires sucked blood, not cock.

[Bald Eagle]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the endof it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began totell their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egglaying chooks.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket onthe front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the roadand all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, 'Our familyare farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One daywe had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.’
'That was a fine story Emilie.’

‘Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Raelene. Aunty Raelene was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf Warand her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she hadwas 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drankall the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then shelandedright in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of themwith the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killedtwenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then shekilledthe last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind ofmoral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f... away from Aunty Raelene when she's been on the piss.'

[Banditbandit]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.

[crazyhorse]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[crazyhorse]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So, they buried Susie.

[doc]

The $100 TATTOO



Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, "Where in the hell have you been'??"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "'What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got 2 x $50 notes tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Larry is now recovering in Ward 23.

[Banditbandit]

A man picks up a nice looking chick in the bar .. and eventually they wind up at her place ... He goes down on her and is busy with the tongue, when all of a sudden he stops and picks a pea out of his mouth.

He looks up at her and asks: "Are you sick?"

"Nooo" she replies.

So, back to work with the tongue he goes, when all of a sudden he stops and pulls a small piece of carrot from his mouth. "Are you sure you're not sick?" he asks.

"No, she replies. "I'm fine."

Back to work he goes, when suddenly there's a piece of sweetcorn in his mouth.

"Look, are you really sure you're not sick?" he asks.

"No," she replies. "But the last guy down there was ... "

[Swoop]

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight!

[Swoop]

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers...

[Goblin]

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away.

A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[crazyhorse]

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

[Banditbandit]

A man is sitting in the hospital waiting room - his first child is about to be born. He's really nervous and smoking a lot (old joke)

After about a two-hour wait a nurse comes into the room and says "Mr Smith? Mr Smith?"

The man nervously stubbs out the three cigarettes he has burning, leaps to his feet and says; "That's me .. what's wrong? What's happened?"

"Calm down," says the nurse. "Nothing's happened, you've just had a baby son."

"Oh, that's wonderful," he says. "Can I see my son? PLeeaase."

The nurse says that will be OK, but the baby needs to sleep, so it must be a short visit. She takes him into the nursery and shows him the crib, with the baby in it. He's rapt.

"Hello," he says. "I'm Daddy." He plays with the baby's tiny hands and coos.

After about three minutes the nurse says he wil have to leace.

"THat's fine, Isn't my son beautiful?" he asks.

"Not bad," says the nurse, grabbing the baby by the ankles and slamming it into the wall. The head flies of and there is blood everwhere.

He's really shocked. "Oh no. My baby ! My baby !!! What have you done !!!!"

The nurse replies "Ha ha .. April Fools .. still born !!!"