Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I approached a girl in a bar and said, "I bet if I show you what I've got in my trousers, you'll want to come home with me for sex".
She said, "Go on then".
And that's when I showed her my knife.
Why is it that you can go for half the bloody day "Needing to have a shit", But the moment you see porcelain it's a life and death struggle to get your belt undone and trousers down before you crap yourself?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
A Koala Bear is sitting in a tree having a joint ... a lizard climbs and asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm having a joint," the koala replies. "Wanna join me?"
"Sure," says the lizard.
So they have one or three joints then the lizard says; "My mouth's getting really dry. I think I'll go down to the river for a drink."
He climbs down the tree and walks to the river, but he's so wasted he falls in the water. As he's thrashing around trying to get out, a large crocodile comes along. Lifting the lizard onto the bank the croc says; "Hi Cuz .. what's up with you?"
"I've been up that tree over there having a few joints with that Koala over there."
"Right," says the croc. "I'll sort out that koala!"
He walks over to the tree and looks up. "Hey, you ... Koala!"
The koala tokes on the joint .. looks down ... and says "Faaark man ... how much water did you drink?"
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
DILLIGAF
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
DILLIGAF
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in Liverpool, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
Although the Irishman swore every word was true, the Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims . Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me wife quite a few times."
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
Scooter boy
Roses are red violets are blue,
This is my knife
Now get in the van
blah blah blah
Missing my buddy Morepower
"When I were a boy, Momma would send me down to da corner store wit' a dollar,
and I'd come back wit' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o'
milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now.
Too many f...............' security cameras."
Missing my buddy Morepower
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Sir Cumference
Originally Posted by crazyhorse
Have you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...?
Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)
DILLIGAF
Hey man dont blame me..Have you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...?who was there 1st.. O thats rite it was me
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
Missing my buddy Morepower
Oh well, occupational habit -esp when you live in the same place and get the same emails..... its normally a race to put it on, and golly gee, i didn't see it - so guess ............... I loseHave you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...?
Scooter boy
Have you ever noticed........
how it's only ever 'perfect people' that are murdered or killed these days? 'He / she was the perfect son / daughter' - 'they were such a perfect couple' - 'the perfect family killed in a tragic accident'.
Doesn't it make you glad that you're a cunt.
blah blah blah
Moped rider
As it was our ten year anniversary my wife wanted to try something
'We both have a piece of paper, and on that write down 5 people you are allowed to sleep with outside our relationship'
I thought it was a bit strange but I went along with it.
When we were both finished my wife gave me her piece and it said: George Clooney, Simon Cowell, Brad Pitt, Robbie Williams and Tom Cruise
She looked at mine and it read: Your sister, your mum and our three daughters
Missing my buddy Morepower
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.
Well...you'll love this one.
My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ...
'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'when did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'what did you teach
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Scooter boy
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
blah blah blah
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