Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[Juniper]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[Juniper]

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday school class. Suddenly one of the children asked the teacher "Where does God live?" The teacher replies, "That's a good question. Does anyone know the answer?" Just then Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts out, "I do! I know where God lives!" The Sunday school teacher then asks, "OK Johnny, where do you think God lives?" "In the bathroom at my house." The Sunday school teacher is confused. So he asks Johnny, "And how do you know that?" Little Johnny replies, "Because every morning my daddy pounds on the bathroom door and says
'GOOD GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'"

[Juniper]

Every week the teacher asked her fifth-grade students to use different words in a sentence. This week she gave little Johnny the word “Democrats.”
“My cat just had a litter,” he said, “and all the kittens are Democrats.”
“That is very creative,” said the teacher.
The following week she called on Johnny again and asked him to use the word
“Republicans.”
“My cat just had a litter,” he said, “and all the kittens are Republicans.
The teacher said, “Now, Johnny, don’t you think you ought to use a different sentence?”
“It is different,” he replied. “They’ve opened their eyes now.”

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

A string walks into a bar. The bartender gives him an angry glance and says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here.”
The string leaves, puts on a costume and comes back.
Once again the bartender kicks him out of the barbarbar, and says, “We don’t serve strings here!”
The string sits outside and ties himself into a knot because he badly wants a drink.
Then he begins to fray the edges of the knot so the top of his head looks like hair.
By this time, the string feels he’s made enough of a transformation to get a drink at the barbarbar.
When the string enters the barbarbar, the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, aren’t you that string?” The string replies: “Nope, frayed knot.”

[Scuba_Steve]

[Juniper]

The Vatican City has the highest rate of crime per person in the world.

Easy to believe because every person who lives there is a Catholic priest

[Juniper]

There was no charge brought against the officer who shot the
boy. The objectors rioted and looted, thus ensuring that they
could walk off with merchandise with no charges being brought
against their credit cards.
I guess that fits.

If the chant of the protestors was HANDS UP, DON'T SHOOT, what
was the chant of the looters, HANDS OUT, DARE YOU TO SHOOT.

[bazil.]

I guess old habits die hard - Everyone I know is going to be told that one

[Laava]

I guess old habits die hard - Everyone I know is going to be told that one

Whachoo talkin bout?

[Swoop]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.



If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[unstuck]