Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[husaberg]

[unstuck]

DONKEY

That is some funny shit right there, kinda suits the dude too.

[husaberg]

That is some funny shit right there, kinda suits the dude too.

Note he's wearing a magnetic armband to balance his shakras as well.....

[mossy1200]

That's all Labour needed do last election.
Electronic billboards of DONKEY.

[husaberg]

That's all Labour needed do last election.
Electronic billboards of DONKEY.

you don't mince your words

[Swoop]

Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people.

[Swoop]

Forward this message to 10 people, and you will get:

Fuck All
That's right, FUCK ALL!
You won't get good luck, or a nice surprise,
5 grand or a fucking holiday in Jamaica,
Just FUCK ALL.

It's true, it works
I sent it on and got FUCK ALL,
Don't break the chain!
Its the only one of these fucking things that actually works!
Send it on and get FUCK ALL!
It's fucking brilliant!

[Jase H]

10 Reasons Why Santa Lives In A State House:

1. He has a serial record for breaking and entering;
2. He uses various wild animals to pull his sleigh;
3. He only works once a year;
4. He's never actually been seen doing work his whole life;
5. He drinks alcohol during working hours;
6. He barely leaves his home for fear of being recognised;
7. He wears the same out of fashion clothes every day and never washes them;
8. He uses lots of different names and aliases purely for his own gain;
9. He gets letters from lots of people, all demanding that he owes them things;
10. He can get hold of all the latest designer gear, but never pays a penny for it.

[Robbo]

10 Reasons Why Santa Lives In A State House:

1. He has a serial record for breaking and entering;
2. He uses various wild animals to pull his sleigh;
3. He only works once a year;
4. He's never actually been seen doing work his whole life;
5. He drinks alcohol during working hours;
6. He barely leaves his home for fear of being recognised;
7. He wears the same out of fashion clothes every day and never washes them;
8. He uses lots of different names and aliases purely for his own gain;
9. He gets letters from lots of people, all demanding that he owes them things;
10. He can get hold of all the latest designer gear, but never pays a penny for it.

11. He only cums once a year and that's down your bloody chimney.

[Juniper]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’
The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.’
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.’
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

[roogazza]

Three Virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started
and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on their first impressions.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.



The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the
pack: "Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl departed for her honeymoon in Australia. Mum waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still
nothing...

A card finally arrived from Sydney on which was written with shaky hand,
"Qantas".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad Qantas.

'TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, IN ALL DIRECTIONS.'



Mum Fainted!!!

[Juniper]

I've heard there is a brand new Barbie Doll out this Christmas, called " Newly Divorced Barbie" , but this Barbie is very expensive, she comes with all of Ken's stuff.

[Juniper]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed Instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave You a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.