Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty V and an iPhone 5 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Jimmy Jones

Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Jim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
J-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now; you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Jimmy

Jimmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

[Juniper]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, come on baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[gjm]

I said to myself this morning, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked'."

[gjm]

[roogazza]

Paddy has broken his leg, his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[Swoop]

What's the difference between Nazis and Muslims?

The Nazis knew how to switch a fucking shower on!

[caspernz]

Bride to be asks her mother on the eve of her wedding day: "How do I keep my husband happy?"

Mother replies: "It's quite simple dear, keep his stomach full and his balls empty."

[roogazza]

[Robbo]

Learning Chinese..

[Juniper]

One day, years ago when I was a lad, I was home on my own when the doorbell rang. I answered the door in my school uniform with short trousers and knee socks etc. I had a glass of scotch in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. "Hello Son" said one of the two men on the doorstep. "Is your Father in?" I held up my hands and said "Does it fucking look like it?"

[Juniper]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

[Juniper]

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of M&Ms, licking the family cat and then standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.

"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?"

"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel," Little Johnny replied. "You know, popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.

[roogazza]

I met her at the Civic. I’d been Holden up the bar all night and as she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me on her own Accord. I said ”Audi”, and she told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter.
Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper. I’d drunk a few Corona’s when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn’t that Ford. I didn’t want to pay – she said “you don’t know what you are Nissan”. So I paid. I took her back to my place – or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.
Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada.
It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy – a little Bambina.

[Juniper]

Stevie Wonder goes for radical new eye surgery to restore his sight. He spends a couple of days in hospital after the operation with bandages over his eyes, then the bandages are removed and it's a revelation to him to finally see. The doctors do some vision tests, then they hold a mirror up to his face so he can finally see himself. He let's out a scream of horror and says

"Shit, nobody told me I'm fucking BLACK".

[Swoop]

I was on a date with a gorgeous woman.
She said, "You're so funny. It feels so good to laugh. I haven't been able to laugh since my mother died."
I said, "You laughed when your mother died?"