Friday jokes

[pete376403]

...... in Sydney, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Fosters beers, draft please."


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"


"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?"
Jim agrees.


"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ?
And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."


"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Swoop]

If you're just getting up, leisurely opening your presents and generally enjoying your Christmas Day, spare a thought for the less fortunate at this special time of year and the hardships they have to endure.
People with kids.


My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa, so I told him "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa....He fucking hates Muslims"


An arsonist set fire to a mosque in Sweden on Christmas Day, injuring five people. Fire crews fought for 15 hours to put the fire out.
"Our water pistol just wasn't powerful enough" said the chief fire officer.



100 years ago today England played Germany in a historic football match in No-Mans Land.
Or as it is more popularly known, France...




A woman just dropped a $20 note next to me. I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine... Well, I bought wine.

[anebv8]

Two hours into my first day of work as a Warehouse greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to The Warehouse. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at The Warehouse.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

[roogazza]

[Akzle]

[ATTACH=ATTACH]

yuck. That first one should be in the sickest jokes thread!

[slofox]

Re No. 3:

Actually, that's not all that hard to do...

[unstuck]

sexy mammas

Cor.


Just getting in before that buzzard fucker.

[anebv8]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

[cc rider]

Loving this kids


Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super Strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'


MUM FAINTED!!!

[unstuck]

Loving this kids


!

IOU.

[BigAl]

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My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
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The wife came out of the bathroom and said. “I have just shaved
my pussy and you know what that means don't you”?

I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!
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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a
tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Fuckin hang on” !!!!
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[Swoop]

Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol!





A case of Ebola found in Glasgow has caused panic.

Locals don't know whether you're meant to drink it or deep fry it.

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"No way" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet…..

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on.
Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up, and the driver sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable.
I thought to myself: 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

www.conjunctivitis.com. Now there's a site for sore eyes!

[gjm]

No idea how I've not heard that before.
Lol.