Friday jokes

[Robbo]

Two Woodpeckers



So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).



The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.



The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked


the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...



Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker


was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck


the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?



After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said,




“Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.”

[YellowDog]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face

[Swoop]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

[SVboy]

What is the similarity between women and horses?

They both feed the cat!

[Juniper]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[unstuck]

Post by The LAD Bible.

[Laava]

And I always thought Bart Simpson got stuck in the 8th grade!

[unstuck]

And I always thought Bart Simpson got stuck in the 8th grade!

lol.

[Swoop]

All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies. Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.

[gjm]

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery

Below is the only A* essay.

"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

[Swoop]

Leading pharmaceutical companies have announced that they will no longer use rabbits in their scientific experiments. Muslims are to be used instead. A spokesman explained that they breed much faster than rabbits, and nobody gets fond of them.

[roogazza]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
>
> When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
> so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
>
> In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
> was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
> suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
>
> When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
> totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
> dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
>
> When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
> She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
> mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
> fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
> girl with some real ambition.
>
> When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
> firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
> divorced me and took everything I owned.
>
> I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
>
>

[Juniper]

Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Swoop]

The BBC has commissioned a new sitcom set in France under Muslim occupation.

It's called Allah Allah.

[gjm]