Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where it's important to respect other people's beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

[nadroj]

Taking a woman up the arse is a lot like riding a motorbike.
You're highly likely to get bird shit on your helmet.

[gjm]

And then there's the German surname - Heir Fuck (pronounced roughly like fook as in food).

I kid you not. The spelling above is correct as well.

And Fucking, Austria. Pronounced 'Fooking'.



Possibly the most stolen traffic sign anywhere.

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.








The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[YellowDog]

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics.

It cost me 44,000 Sw Francs.

Do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning?

A bowl of Fucking "Cheerios".

[Swoop]

If you cannot decide whether your cup is half full or half empty, the main point is...

You need to buy a different size bra.

[Swoop]

At the shopping centre the other day, eating at the food court, an old man sat watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man's stare never faltered. The teenager would look and every time he did so, he found the old man's eyes fixed on him.

Eventually, the teenager had had enough and he asked sarcastically, "What's the matter with you old man - never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock" he said. "I was just wondering if you were my son."

[YellowDog]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."*
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

[unstuck]

Coppers, remember to turn your dash cams off.
I like the way he stops his performance when at the ped crossing.

[husaberg]

...........................

[roogazza]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber’s chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm going to get tits too."

[gjm]

[anebv8]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

[husaberg]