Friday jokes

[gjm]

[YellowDog]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.


The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household !


You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose !

Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"


The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[gjm]

Three storks meet and get chatting.

“Where are you going today?”
“Well, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I'm bringing them a little girl."
“That’s cool! And you?”
“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I'm bringing her a boy!"
“Great , I'm sure she'll be really happy.”
“And you?” The first two ask the third stork.
“Me? Oh I am going over to do a quick fly-by at the convent. I never bring them anything, but I love to scare the shit them ...”

[husaberg]

[husaberg]

[YellowDog]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.


The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household !


You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose !

Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"


The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[_Shrek_]

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

sounds about right

[husaberg]

[roogazza]

Mechanic and Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[roogazza]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed
and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with
a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people”

[Swoop]

I've just been banned from TradeMe.

Apparently, a rat and a plastic tube does not constitute a DIY abortion kit.

[YellowDog]

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[awa355]

[anebv8]

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day -

some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

[Laava]

The Irish branch of the terrorist group ISIS have broken into Dublin zoo and taken three ostriches