Friday jokes

[scumdog]

New police cars in Clutha scummy?

Nah, our ones have big-arse tyres, bonnet scoop and a loud-as 'zorst system and sit lower than a Gorons mrs knickers....

[Tazz]

Thats reads like an ad for Tower Junction
mentioned at least 6 times ffs

Yep, the standard of journalism these days fits the joke thread as well as the overkill police response.

Ironically it is a competitive industry too.

[husaberg]

Yep, the standard of journalism these days fits the joke thread as well as the overkill police response.

Ironically it is a competitive industry too.

I wonder if Ngai Tahu own a lot of shares in Fairfax media, hence the free ad

[crazyhorse]

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

[Akzle]

Barak Obama and David Cameron are sititing in the coffee shop when in walks John Key.

Key walks up and says "I didn't expect to see you here." He shakes their hands and tells them how excited he is to see them. "What are you two discussing?"

Obama says: "Well, we are planning WWIII - we are going to kill 140 million Muslims and a Blonde with big tits"

"A blonde with big tits? Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?" Key asks.

Obama turns to David Cameron and says "See, I told you no-one would care about 140 million Muslims."

re-hash of a hitler joke.

"kill 6 million jews and a bicycle salesman"



the question is, was the salesman a jew?

[Scuba_Steve]

Nah, our ones have big-arse tyres, bonnet scoop and a loud-as 'zorst system and sit lower than a Gorons mrs knickers....

Fucking boyracers

[gjm]

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

[Swoop]

The money is a nice bonus.

But the real joy in robbing a PostShop is watching the staff move quickly for fucking once.

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Bored of sitting on your hand till its numb to make it feel like someone else is wanking you off?

Then why not try sitting on your knob, to make it feel like you're wanking off someone else.

Alternatively, for the voyeurs amongst you, sit on your hand and your knob, so it feels like watching someone wanking someone else off...

[gjm]

[gjm]

I used the second one outside a pub I used to run in the UK!

[caseye]

BAGPIPER



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the bush
down in Gippsland.

As I was not familiar with the bush, I got lost and, being
a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were
eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do,
so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this
homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the
door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw
anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost.

[unstuck]

[seattle smitty]

"Vegetarian" actually derives from an old native American indian word which meant, "no-good hunter."