Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Brilliant Irish Text Message

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again"

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful!


What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...



My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, " What the hell are you doing with that silver and gold dress?!"
I said, " It's not what it looks like!"



Following the murder of Boris Nemstov in Moscow , Putin has vowed to clean up Russian politics.
He had the entire crime scene pressure washed within 2 hours...

[gjm]

I'm not happy.

I paid a carpenter up front to make milady wife and me a new double bed, but he took the money and did a bunk.

[Swoop]

A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.

[Swoop]

Police have revealed the identity of "Jihadi John".

Neighbours in West London have revealed he is actually known as "Paki Pete".

[YellowDog]

A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?

''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

[husaberg]

.................

[Edbear]

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel..."

[Swoop]

A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one. Lo and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted 100."

"No, you can only have 3."

"But I want 100."

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.
His first wish is, "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick."
And so it happens.
His second wish is, "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your arse."

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his arse with tears flowing down his cheeks. He roars, "Ask your third wish!"

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer..."

Moral of the story: You cannot get anything from the management until you put a hammer up their arse.

[unstuck]

[Swoop]

This American said to me the other day, "you know, it's starting to feel like there are only two countries in the world: America, and The Rest Of The World."

I said, "that's completely true, actually. In fact, The Rest Of The World even has its own flag now. It's exactly the same as the American flag, except it's on fire."

[Banditbandit]

From a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women

*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a cheque from the government every month.

[caseye]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an escalator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Steers closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $10.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22."I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.

[gjm]

Reports that the black box recorded "I said up, you stupid hairy bastard" have yet to be confirmed.