Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.”

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" ...

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick.”

[Swoop]

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

[pzkpfw]

...

Reports that the black box recorded "I said up, you stupid hairy bastard" have yet to be confirmed.

It crashed cos he was flying backwards?

[gjm]

It crashed cos he was flying backwards?

Sorry. Must have been Leia trying to park.

[Big Dog]

Sorry. Must have been Leia trying to park.

More than one of my rides ended up parked sub-optimally because a "princess" wanted to have a go.


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[pzkpfw]

More than one of my rides ended up parked sub-optimally because a "princess" wanted to have a go.

Back in college a girlfriend insisted on having a go on the 80 cc Vespa me and a mate had bought. Throttle on, forgot how to throttle off. Or brake. Somehow missed the 1.5 m drop off to the footpath. Instead wobbled over to the neighbour's place and parked in a shrub.

I laughed and laughed. She didn't think it was funny.

[Big Dog]

An ex did that into a fence. On a borrowed bike.


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[_Shrek_]

One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !'

And they say blondes are dumb...

________________________________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......

_________________________________________

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

_________________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

[gjm]

Popped into the docs for a check up.

After looking me over and sucking his teeth a bit, the doc says "Try not to eat anything fatty."

So I asked, "Like sausages, burgers, and stuff like that? So other stuff is OK?"

The doc says "No fatty, try not to eat anything."

[YellowDog]

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[gjm]

[YellowDog]

A policeman in Sydney, Australia, pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him”

[Swoop]

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

[husaberg]

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[scumdog]

An ex did that into a fence. On a borrowed bike.




Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

I did that on a Phillips Gadabout. Into a hedge

In 1967.