Friday jokes

[Robbo]

I did that on a Phillips Gadabout. Into a hedge

In 1967.

Geeze, I had one of those back when I was in high school. Spent more time peddling it than under motor power when riding it as it was so bloody unreliable. Still lots of fun though in its day.

[Laava]

Thank fuck for that! I thought he was talking about some old fashioned sex toy!
"Hold still Erma, I'm a puttin in the gadabout!"

[roogazza]

[Akzle]

&c

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[Juniper]

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

5. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help
section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow roadsigns?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

34. Why do shops have signs, "guide dogs only," the dogs can't read and
their owners are blind?

[Juniper]

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which
nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[Juniper]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together!
I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick.”

[Juniper]

A downtrodden, browbeaten, ball broken man (Barry) and his bitch of a wife (Stella) went to see a highly regarded clairvoyant in a ritzy Sydney apartment block. After Stella had asked about 50 inane questions, the clairvoyant turned to Barry and said "is there anything you would like to know?" Barry's eyes looked up from the floor and said "yes, will I ever be happy? And when will I die?" The clairvoyant closed his eyes and concentrated for a few seconds then said "good news, you will be happy soon, and you have a long life still ahead of you, at least another 30 years". After the second answer Barry's eyes opened wide, his face went white, and then he jumped up, ran through the open sliding door to the balcony and leapt off. Miraculously a sudden updraft slowed his decent, prior to him landing relatively unscathed on a pile of discarded matresses on the footpath. A little dazed and confused, he looked up to see Stella leaning over the balcony and heard her shrill nasally voice screaming down "don't think you're getting away that easy Baz, you worthless excuse of a man, you've made a fool of yourself and embarressed the shit out of me yet again, you fucking Tool!" Suddenly a massive bolt of lightening came down from the heavens, struck Stella's ugly peroxided head and fried her to a charred dead smokey crisp.

[Juniper]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.'

Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs."

"Who said that? --
​
I w​ant to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

[Juniper]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[Juniper]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back,
she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding,
her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to
groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted, ………………………….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park!
You do it, you smug bastard."

[Juniper]

There was a terrible mix-up at the hospital. A man who had been scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex-change operation. When told of the mistake, he was understandably distraught.
I'll never be able to experience an erection again," he wailed.
The surgeon tried to console him. "Of course you'll be able to experience an erection - it's just that it will have to be someone else's."

"Will there be any thing else, sir?" asked room service after setting out dinner for two.
"No, thank you. That will be all."
As he turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife, sir?"
"Yes. Good idea. Bring up a postcard."

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

There's two kinds of women in the world....
The kind that remembers every perceived
slight and brings it up 4 or 5 years later
(usually at the most inopportune time)
and then..... actually.... I guess there's
only one kind of woman.

I'm bisexual..... I had sex with my wife twice last year.

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from the hospital & shouted: "You bastard!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

[Juniper]

An Australian couple had grown increasingly concerned about the behaviour of their 15 year old son and decided to seek professional help. "Doctor, no matter how hard we try, young Jimmy only seems to like to get drunk two maybe three nights a week. We're tearing our hair out here, what can we do?" The Aussie doctor looked suitably concerned, and put down his beer.

[Juniper]

Here is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

[scumdog]

panda rep!

bjiafp.

Fuck you and your retarded scrabble set...

What an alphabet shuffler...