Friday jokes

[Scuba_Steve]

[mossy1200]

LOL

[Juniper]

I was very close yo a threesome last night.

I was only two girls short.

[Juniper]

So after going without sex for 5 years, I made love to a woman a week ago for an hour and 32 seconds!!!

God bless Day Light Savings Time....

[Juniper]

Came home from school one day and asked "mom, what is a bitch?". His mom answered "go ask you father." Then Johhny said "mom, what is a slut?". His mom blushed a little and said "that is definitely a question for your father". So Johhny wandered into the living room where his dad was drinking a beer and watching South Park. "Dad, what is a bitch and a slut?". Without hesitation his dad said "your mom". Johnny said "this is so frustrating, I've already asked her?" His dad looked him dead in the eyes and said "who said anything about ask?"

[Juniper]

" Cheryl,you'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery.
But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. Cheryl was alarmed.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?”
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine… it's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[Juniper]

On a cruise ship, a German, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican were all standing on the deck near the rail.

The German takes a bottle of beer out of a case at his feet, opens it and takes a swallow then throws it overboard. When questioned by the others he explains, "I'm from Germany. In Germany we have a lot of beer. We have so much beer I can throw some overboard."

Not to be outdone, the Frenchman takes a bottle of wine, opens it and takes a swallow then throws it overboard. Without waiting to be asked he says, "I'm from France. In France we have a lot of wine. We have so much wine I can throw some overboard."

The American stares at them for a moment then picks up the Mexican and throws him overboard.

[Juniper]

Woody Allen, Adolf Hitler and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting at a bar.

Adolf turns to Woody and starts screeching "you look like a fucking Jew! Are you one of those despicable sub humans??? If so, I will have you shipped off to one of our Concentration Camps imeadiately, you disgusting leech on mankind!!!

Woody turned to Arnold and says in his usual kind of meek meandering manner "um excuse me Arnie, but do you think you might possibly be able to um kinda help me out a little here? If so I would greatly um you know appreciate that?"

Arnie thought for a moment, then said very matter of factly "I very sorry Woody, but I'm afraid I'm on the fence on this one."

[Juniper]

A priest, a Rabbi and a Minister had just finished a joint fundraiser and were talking about how much to give to the poor and how much they should keep for themselves

the priest said lets draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever falls outside the circle we give to the poor and we keep the rest.

the minister said lets draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever falls inside the circle we give to the poor and keep the rest.

the Rabbi said lets draw a circle on the ground throw the money in the air and what god wants he keeps.

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?"

Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."

[gjm]

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

[Juniper]

Mike was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat..

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them
to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big..
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here,
try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here,
you try on mine !

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[Juniper]

A catholic priest, Islamic elder and a rabbi were out fishing one day when the discussion turned to conversions of faith. The priest bragged that there were catholics in every corner of the world. The Islamic reminded him of all the recent new converts, praying to allah for a peaceful global conversion. The Rabbi said " we jews are everywhere and were the first people to walk the earth. We even have jews in china.
The other two scoffed and guffawed until the jew agreed to pay for lunch at his friend fong's restaurant. After being seated the rabbi asked the waiter to ask fong if he knew of any Chinese jews, After quite some time the waiter returned saying " so sorry, we have apple jews, orange jews but no Chinese jews"

[Juniper]

A professional hypnotist was booked for a senior citizen community and began his show. "Watch the watch, watch the watch," he would say at the opening. One day, during the corny stereotypical "Watch the watch" garbage, he dropped his most prized possession... the solid gold watch his grandfather had left him! It was the last thing he had to remember the kindly old gent. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!" the enraged 'tist screamed aloud before thinking better of it. It took weeks to clean up the place. (and he was not invited there again... wonder why?)