Meow
In an effort to try and avoid more commercial pilots committing suicide / mass murder, The International Pilots Association has henceforth banned all Japanese men from flying commercial airliners. When asked if this move could potentially perceived as rascist, spokesperson Chuck Johnson (son of a WW2 Pacific naval airman) said, "no not at all, it's in the little yellow fuckers blood."
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
A school teacher was explaining to his elementary school students how peoples surnames are often derived from occupations or traits hundreds of years ago. Eg people with the surname Smith would have been a Blacksmith, and Tailor would have made clothes.
Little Suzie then asked the Teacher, so where does your name come from Mr Houndraper?
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
A woman and a man meet eachother in a bar, and quite fast they end up in her bed. They go for the missionary, and everything is fine, until the man suddenly freezes, his eyes looking completely blank.
The women wonders if he already came, but after five seconds he continues as energetic as before. Suddenly he freezes again, his eyes going blank.
What´s happening here, the woman thinks, but then the man continues again. The same thing is repeated once more. Now the woman is too curious and asks him:
-What are you doing?
-Oh, just something I learned on PornTube. It´s called "buffering".
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.
If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started . . . they have no sense of humour!
Hardcore Biker
What is the warranty on a parachute?
Just because no-one complains doesn't mean they're all perfect...
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Money back guarantee! Just bring it back if faulty.Originally Posted by gjm
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Hardcore Biker
Or the parachutes made in Ireland
They open on impact.
'tart tourmenter
Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!
Shoulda bought a hat."
Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine
Hardcore Biker
Mrs M beat me with a throw pillow last night.
I have a concushion.
Scooter boy
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig!
Argo Solvo Interio Putus
Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Hardcore Biker
I've just been to the theatre to see a production about puns.
Turned out it was just a play on words.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party last night. I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.
My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I saw on the NEWS that the Large Hadron Collider has been switched back on today.
This time, they will be doing an experiment which has never been done before and the results are being awaited worldwide.
Colliding a Muslim and a bar of soap!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
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