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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #3721
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    Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

    In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,

    "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

    "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance

    "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

    "No, on the contrary..."

    "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though
    you're not certain it's true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

    The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

    It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  2. #3722
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    As Jesus is dragging the wooden cross through the streets and the crowd is gathering and cheering Jesus looks up.....and in his loudest voice says...THOSE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE....

    Just then a rock is thrown from the crowd and hit Jesus in the head, Jesus looks up and says....Mom sometimes you really piss me off.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  3. #3723
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    Why do guys call girls “cunts”? Why would you insult someone by referring to them as the only thing about them that actually matters to you?!

    I mean, when I get mad at my boyfriend, I don’t call him “salary”
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  4. #3724
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    I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.
    I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
    "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."
    I told him I was not paralysed.
    He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
    Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
    After the prayers, I stepped outside - and bugger me - my car was gone!

  5. #3725
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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes or BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," she replies.

  6. #3726
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    The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

    The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

    The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

    They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

    They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

    The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  7. #3727
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  8. #3728
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  9. #3729
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    "You know Dave?" The barman asked me. "The ex-army guy?"
    "Yeah. What about him?"
    "He took a loaded gun into the local Mosque last night."
    "Shit," I said. "Did he kill anyone?"
    "No. He was overpowered before he could get a single shot off."
    "By the police?"
    "Nope. The smell."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #3730
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    =mjc=
    .

  11. #3731
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    Quote Originally Posted by jim.cox View Post
    rbjiap .

  12. #3732
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    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
    Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

    After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

    The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

    'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . ..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    'You just happened to catch my eye'
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  13. #3733
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    My thought for today

    Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon.

    It makes no difference how good or right you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

  14. #3734
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    A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.

    He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"

    The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

    The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

    The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

    "Yes."

    "And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

    So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

    They go to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced

    the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

    He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."

    The hooker says, "No, $1500."

    "I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

    The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street?

    Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."

    The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car

    for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

    Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before.

    He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

    Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"

    The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?

    All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

    "Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"

    The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!"

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  15. #3735
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    The air stewardess runs from the cockpit shouting "quick can anyone fly a plane, the captain and the co pilot have had a fight leaving them both unconscious." panic ensues until a large guy raises his hand "I can fly this plane" he announces.
    "Quick then this way." says the stewardess.
    "Not so fast lady, I said I could fly not that I would fly" states the guy.
    "But you have to, think of the other passengers." begs the woman.
    "If you strip for me, then I would think about it." he calmly states."
    The stewardess looks around for support, but finds that the passengers are all shouting for her to strip. so she started to peel away her uniform and stands before him butt naked.
    "Hmm " says the guy "cute titties nice bush, now come here and give me a blow job."
    "No way" says the stewardess, but the passengers urge her on shouting "suck him you bitch."
    So she gives in and gives him a fine blow, then when he has shot his bolt she asks him "Now will you fly the plane?"
    "Okay." says the man "but this is the last time I fly with this company." He enters the cockpit steps over the stricken pilots and settles into his seat, he quickly checks out a few instruments then dons the headset "tower, this is flight golf bravo six two niner, requesting permission to take off".
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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