Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My girlfriend just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons."

I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.

[Swoop]

It was reported today that a ginger woman had been raped. Police are still trying to establish a motive.

[crazyhorse]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar..... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Hinny]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 square feet co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.
Clare relates she graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[marie_speeds]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.' Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??' Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each.


Just as they are about to eat it, Les pops
up from behind a rock and shouts........


'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!'

[Banditbandit]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier"

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffle, "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added;

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[Swoop]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being the Australian prime minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place."

[<G>]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She replied.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl".

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit, elaborate and clearly communicated

[Banditbandit]

Little Johny is going next door wth his parents to visit the neighbour's new baby. His father warns Johnny that he baby has been born without a nose, and if little Johnny says anything about it he'll get the thrashing of his life.

Little Johnny promises to be good.

The parents and little Johnny are enjoying afternoon tea with the neighbours when Johnny says: "You're new baby is beautiful." Johnny's mother smiles happily.

Thank you," replies the neighbour.

"How are his eyes?" Little Johnny asks.

"Thank you for asking," says the neighbour. "His eyes are perfect."

"That's good," says Little Johnny, "cause he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."

[doc]

[DMNTD:Me]

> > Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
> > horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
> > playing the next hole..
> > The ball hit one of the men.
> > He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
> > to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
> > The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
> > began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a
> > physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll
> > let me,' she told him.
> > 'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the
> > man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
> > still clasping his hands there at his groin.
> > At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
> > She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
> > loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
> > She administered tender and artful massage for several
> > long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
> > He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[doc]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'


A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[Swoop]

The floods in Pakistan are not a natural disaster. They are a government plan to make sure the Paki's do well at swimming and rowing in the 2012 Olympics.

[Hinny]

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing,

then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer

(not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173.
Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed...

Finally the computer said....







"So, how's the Harley running'?"

[Hinny]

A Blond drops off her 'Little Black Dress' to the cleaners.
On her way out the door the lady at the counter says "Come again"
The Blond replies " No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".