Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Dinner at an old friend's home

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

[Swoop]

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

[gjm]

[Shamelessly stolen from IFLS. ]

[Swoop]

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...


And Monica blew it.

[Banditbandit]

[Banditbandit]

A father is sitting at the window drinking coffee, when he sees his four-year-old daughter sitting in the garden peering intently at something. He walks down the path.

“Hi honey,” he says. “What are you looking at?”

“These spiders, Daddy. What kind are they?”

He looks down, ‘Those are daddy-long legs.”




“What are they doing?” she asks
He looks again. “They are mating.”



“Does that mean one of them is a Mummy-long-legs?” she asks.

“No dear, they are both called Daddy-long-legs.”

“Well,” she exclaims. She jumps to her feet and stomps on the spiders. “We’re not having any of that gay shit in this garden!”

[Banditbandit]

A group of bikers is heading out of town for a run when they see, standing in the middle of a bridge, a young woman about to jump off.



The group stops and the leaders walks over and says to her “are you going to jump’

“Yes,” she replies

“Well,” he says, “how about a final kiss before you jump?”

“OK”, she says and wraps herself around him, giving him the most passionate kiss he’s had in his whole life.

After a few minutes he pushes her off, takes a deep breath and says “Wow, how come someone who can kiss like that be thinking of killing themselves?”

She smiles shyly – “Because my parents hate me dressing up as a girl.”

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Swoop]

The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.

He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

[Juniper]

For many years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"! Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan

0800-September 1,1945

To: President Harry S Truman

From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C

1300-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur

From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan

1630-September 1, 1945

To: H S Truman

From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C

2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

[Juniper]

A man went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he answered, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

"The interviewer grimaced and told him, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m., everyday."

The guy was puzzled and inquired, “If the work hours are 8 a.m. To 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?”

"This is a government job", the interviewer reminded him. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

[Swoop]

Dear Sheila's Wheels,

Please note that women do not: "make the greatest drivers" as your advert suggests.
For evidence of this in "real world terms" please see your nearest Formula 1 paddock, where you will note the only women allowed near the cars are in bikinis holding umbrellas, and that's only because they have previously agreed not to talk or touch anything.

Kind Regards,
J. Button

[YellowDog]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

In God we trust!

[Smifffy]