Friday jokes

[Swoop]

In an attempt to promote peace, the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.

[Swoop]

Here's a little known fact.

The average fight between men lasts 30 seconds.

The average fight between women?

30 years.




The secrets of the pyramid discovered!


Also....

[gjm]

Indifference.

I can take it or leave it.

[Smifffy]

Indifference.

I can take it or leave it.

Yeah, I used to be apathetic, but now I simply don't care.

[Virago]

Yeah, I used to be apathetic, but now I simply don't care.

I was going to stop procrastinating, but I've put it off until tomorrow.

[Swoop]

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian.

It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

[Juniper]

Cemetery Pecan Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Juniper]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[Juniper]

Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves.
Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.

Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.

Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.

As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really am the most beautiful of all!"

As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.

As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the fuck is Unstuck?"

[unstuck]

[Drew]

Everyone knows what rigor mortis is, yeah?

So, what is the first organ to go hard in a strangled woman?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My cock!

[Swoop]

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

[gjm]

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

Two wings is a wong number?

Sorry.

Fowum ron't let me wep you.

[YellowDog]

______________________________________________

[Moi]

*Slips of the Tongue*
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'