Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".

[roogazza]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. So it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Smifffy]

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa
big basket a food. ...She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were
lookina forward to da trip, and open
upa da l uncha basket. The conductore come
aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car.Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta
at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga
'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just
about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

Fugged aboutit

[roogazza]

The parish priest advised a woman that she must give up smoking, drinking,
and sex before wedlock if she wanted to get into Heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking - but
then I bent over a lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my
long slender legs. He pulled up my skirt, and made love to me right then and there."

“They don't like that in Heaven," said the priest.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[Swoop]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

[gjm]

A US Attorneys office wanted a statement from an arresting police officer. They were told the officer was a K9, but the office insisted, so...

[gjm]

[Swoop]

Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty on Ponsonby Road and see's one of the local queers mincing along with a bag in his hand.
The cop calls him over and say's that bag is a bit suspicious, what's in it? The queer shows him the bag and there are three bottles in it. The cop takes a bottle out, un corks it and sniffs it, "Hmm beer" he says. Takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs, "Ahh, paraffin". Take the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs. He goes out like light! When he comes round he says. "Fuck me, what was in the third bottle". The queer answers. "Chloroform, makes your arse sore eh?"

[Swoop]

"Lily Allen to quit music business over illegal downloading".

At last, proof that crime DOES pay!

[gjm]

I bought a new laptop today. It keeps playing 'Set Fire To The Rain', 'Someone Like You', and 'Skyfall'.

It's a Dell.

[MSTRS:Me]

Sometimes we Kiwis don't do ourselves any favours...

An Oz tourist was travelling the backblocks of Nu Zuld when he spotted a bloke shagging a sheep on the long acre. At the next town he stopped at the pub for a beer. He had no longer sat down with his pint when he spotted a one-legged bloke wanking in the corner. So this tourist turned to the bartender and said "What the hell sort of country is this? I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, which apparently is quite common here, but to see a bloke wanking in public takes the biscuit. I'm disgusted." The publican says "You Aussies are heartless bastards. How the hell do you expect the poor bugger to catch a sheep?"

[YellowDog]

Yorkshire folk aye!

[roogazza]

[ruaphu]

FIFA


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