Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.


'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.



'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. Today you voted'.

[Robbo]

Willie Nelson

The younger generation may not know it
but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year.
Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline.
"Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favourites.
He is also a well-recognized poet in his own circle of friends.
Whether or not you are a country music fan,
these are truly the words of a deep thinker. So simple, yet so profound!
Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher,
Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday.

Here is his poem he wrote for this occasion:


"I have outlived my pecker."


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[Swoop]

Appointing Chris Evans as the new presenter of Top Gear reminds me of Bruce Jenner.

Replacing a dick with a cunt.

[_Shrek_]

Appointing Chris Evans as the new presenter of Top Gear reminds me of Bruce Jenner.

Replacing a dick with a cunt.

[Swoop]

I guess this naturally leads on to ...



Saturn's ring is the second largest in the solar system. The largest is, of course, the BBC's paedophile ring.

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,

Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty"

[Swoop]

Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway.

[gjm]

[gjm]

[gjm]

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

"I hope you don't think I'm some sort of oddball?"

I said to my neighbour when she found me in her laundry basket.

[Swoop]

Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day.

Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said, "He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."

[Swoop]

I think the Tunisians need to add, "No machine gunning" next to the "No bombing" sign, at the pool by the beach.