Friday jokes

**Swoop** · 23rd July 2015, 09:41

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are $650.

**YellowDog** · 25th July 2015, 22:31

A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married.’

'Wow, that's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

**YellowDog** · 25th July 2015, 22:35

Abdullah heard that one of his wives was leaving him. He rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings. He sat beside her and said, “I hear you are planning to leave me?”

She replied “Yes, your other wives told me you are a paedophile!”

Abdullah thought for a minute or so and then said: “That’s a mighty big word for a 9 year old.

**YellowDog** · 25th July 2015, 22:39

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."

**Swoop** · 27th July 2015, 13:41

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

**mashman** · 27th July 2015, 13:54

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

**YellowDog** · 30th July 2015, 08:59

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.
She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.