Friday jokes

[anebv8]

I fucking love E-bay...Sold my homing pigeon 7 times last month!

[FJRider]

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

[FJRider]

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

[FJRider]

Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

[YellowDog]

A couple, both aged 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[husaberg]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[husaberg]

What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The location of the dirt bag!

What's the difference between a dog on the back porch whining and your wife on the front porch whining about your motorcycle?

When you let them in, the dog stops whining!

What do German shepherds and Harleys have in common?

They both like to ride in the back of trucks.

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

[FJRider]

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

[YellowDog]

The first, a Invercargill surgeon, says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, a Dunedin surgeon, responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is colour coded "

The third, Auckland surgeon, says " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order "

The fourth, a Christchurch surgeon, chimes in " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over "

But the fifth, a Wellington surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: " You are all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the 4RSE are interchangeable.

[Swoop]

What do Islam and a sat-nav have in common?

You think you're on the right path, but follow them literally and you'll end up smashing into a fucking building.

[husaberg]

This contains likely the best ever online troll ever.

[husaberg]

My pick

[Robbo]

The Chain Letter