Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Auckland's International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, an NZ Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Andrew Little said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Winston Peters told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[husaberg]

Yokel..............................

Planes- made from thin sheets of alloy
building- made from thick steel and concrete

[Swoop]

"We're deeply sorry about the crane malfunction" stated a representative from the Rent-A-Crane company.
"Every effort is made to ensure a complete safe working environment" stated spokesman, Abraham Goldberg.

[anebv8]

Rules for visiting NZ's South Island are:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap the right way around, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes North, find it and bugger off.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only three weeks a year.

6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You’d better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time...

8. Yes, we eat trout, salmon, deer, and duck... You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday, we will observe it.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties tomato sauce! Oh, yes - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat... IT ISN'T REAL CHILLI!!

13. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she’d better be cute, know how to shoot and drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders, and the Crusaders, and is a heap more fun to watch.

15. Yes, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers, refer back to #1!

17. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys 'good on ya, mate'!

A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends who probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

[mossy1200]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger


than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[Swoop]

Last week, The Queen became England's longest ever reigning monarch.

Hardly surprising considering she has two Birthdays each year and is therefore technically 198.

[YellowDog]

[5150]

I fail to see a funny side to the photo above......

[husaberg]

I fail to see a funny side to the photo above......

Go have a look at the 911 thread.

[husaberg]

[gjm]

A friend took a lass on their first date last night.

I asked "What's her name?"

He replied, "Simile."

"Unusual name," I said. "How did the date go?"

"Not very good. I don't know what I met her for."

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

I just got an email from TripAdvisor entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will you do to help? So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review. Maybe that way they'll all fuck off back.

[gjm]

[anebv8]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good
news and, I have some bad news…"

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?

The lawyer says: "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million."

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done… my wife is so smart!
You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"



The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary.