Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Next topic...

David Cameron has finally issued a formal denial of the rumour going around, saying that while the initiation ceremony was going on he was having a quiet pint in his local pub.
He told reporters, "I was in the Hog's Head at the time."





Well, at least Cameron's stopped the risk of ambitious muslims sucking his cock.





The Hajj begins today, with millions of Muslims making the annual pilgrimage to Mecca.
This may come as a surprise to Hungarians , Croatians and others being trod underfoot, who thought Germany was hosting this year's event.

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Strangely, I haven't seen one headline reading:

"717 lucky chosen people, now living in paradise by Allah's side"...





717 people have been killed and 863 people were injured in a stampede near the Islamic holy city of Mecca when somebody shouted "SOAP!"






I bet the guy that shouted "Drone!" for a laugh feels a right cunt now.






Around eight hundred Muslims have been killed in a stampede. The rest of the family escaped unharmed.





European leaders today have decided that the annual Muslim Celebration of "HAJJ" should be held weekly.

[husaberg]

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it."
A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish."
A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear."
The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, "If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich." A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse."

Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake.









Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there's bound to be a wet pussy.

[gjm]

[mashman]

[mashman]

[gjm]

I thought that was going to be the "It's so dark and creepy, I'm scared" said Piglet. "You're scared?" said Pooh, "I've got to walk back on my own!"

[caspernz]

Hone Harawira`s Goodbye


On a recent trip to the U.S.A., Maori Party M.P. Hone Harawira (alias John Hadfield ....... his true name .... his grandfather was a pakeha) was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his recent examples of how to inflame the Maori Indigenous situation in New Zealand.

He spoke for almost an hour.... echoing his racist mother's doomed to fail radical ideas for increasing any First Nation's present standard of living.


At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".


The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the American Indian chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone.




They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

[Swoop]

Saudi Arabia's King Salman has asked for a review for the Hajj pilgrimage.

Personally, I'd give it four out of five stars!

[anebv8]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning,the fat security guard started chasing me.After running around the car park a few times,I finally came to a stop.He grabbed me by the collar and breathlessly said,"Open your jacket." So I unzipped it and said,"I've got nothing mate." "Then why the fuck did you run?" He asked."Because I thought you could do with the exercise you fat bastard." I replied.

[Swoop]

A crane collapses in Mecca killing over 100 people.

A stampede occurs during Hajj, killing nearly 800 people.

Europe's largest mosque, in South London, burns to the ground.

...and I thought it was bad things that happened in threes?







Reports of a major fire at a London Mosque have just been received by emergency services. A petrol tanker has been sent to the scene.







An explosive storage depot has caught fire in Morden, London. Or a "mosque" as the muslims prefer to call it.







I've just heard that the London mosque not actually on fire. Apparently it was just the VW MOT test centre behind it.

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Swoop]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is

legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed

his exam but you've just given him an "A" which is neither legal, nor logical."