Friday jokes

[Big Dog]

Or straight to that part of the relationship where the door stays open.

Sent via tapatalk.

[Jase H]

What happens if you get home early.

[onearmedbandit]

I watched it on replay again, it really was TMO to ref . My first thought was it was the other way around too.

Either way it doesn't trump Umanga "we are not playing tiddlywinks"
.........................


“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” Tony Brown

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” Tana Umaga: “On what?”

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” Anton Oliver

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby – but none of them serious.” Doc Mayhew

So many of those are attributed to the wrong people or sport.

[Juniper]

4 out of 3 people struggle with math

[Juniper]

The third grade teacher asks her students to tell a story with a moral. The kids get up with the usual -- don't put all your eggs in one basket, etc..

Finally one boy gets up and says "My uncle Jim was in the Vietnam War. One night he was on sentry duty, drinking Jack Daniels, when the Viet Cong attacked. A bullet broke the bottle as a full company charged his position.

He mowed down about sixty of them with his M-60 until it jammed. Then he killed another twenty with his M-16 until it jammed, too. The last five charged in on him, and he beat four to death with his entrenching tool, then killed the last one with the broken bottle. Then he got another bottle of Jack and went back to drinking."

"And what can be the moral of this awful story?" asked the horrified teacher.

"Never fuck with uncle Jim when he's been drinking," said the boy.

[Juniper]

Met this old man the other night. We started talking. He said:
-When I was a boy, my mommy would send me down to the store on the corner, with only one dollar. I came home with a loaf of bread, coffee, a piece of nice meat, some potatoes, cheese, onions, some salt and even some candy for me. Can´t do that today.
-Oh, I said. The inflation been that bad?
-No. Just to many fucking security cameras everywhere.

[Juniper]

A Baptist preacher took his car to the garage of an old man in his congregation for an oil change.

The old man raised the car up on the hydraulic lift and went to work. The first wrench he tried on the oil plug was the wrong size. He muttered "goddam" under his breath and went to retrieve the right wrench. The preacher heard his veiled curse, but said nothing.

With the correct wrench, the old mechanic applied pressure to the oil drain plug, but it seemed to be stuck. He pulled harder and harder until the wrench slipped off the plug, almost send the old man reeling. "GODDAM!!"

The preacher now had to step in. He told the old man, "Please! If you have to say something, say 'God help'." The old man was apologetic "I'm sorry, parson" and vowed that he would try to control his temper.

Back on the drain plug, the man decided to use a little back pressure, tightening, to free the stuck plug. When he did this, the whole oil pan SPLIT from back to front, spilling hot oil all over the old man and across the floor. In desperation, he groaned loudly, "Oh, God HELP!!"

Miraculously, as if someone reversed a movie projector, the hot oil came up off the floor, off the old man and went back up into the crankcase, the oil pan fusing back together!

Seeing this, with his eyes like saucers, the preacher muttered, "Goddam".

[Juniper]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find me stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting flies,"
I responded.
"Oh. Killing many?"
She asked.
"Yep. 3 males, 2 females!"
Intrigued, she asked,
"How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

[Juniper]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

[husaberg]

So many of those are attributed to the wrong people or sport.

They were from here I didn't write them I just edited out a few.
http://www.rugbybanter.com/?p=512
to be fair that Umanga one about an autobiography is all over the net.


This was the best one, but I thought England rugby had already suffered enough.

To Princess Anne’s son Peter Phillips, Gordonstoun School’s rugby captain, for his pre-match coin-toss preference -Grandmother or tails, sir? Anon rugby referee (1995)

[YellowDog]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit
with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? . . .

"What . . . You're coming empty handed?"

[roogazza]

[oneofsix]

Maori clock
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock" he drunkenly replied.
"A talking Maori clock - seriously ?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*‪#‎k‬'s sake, you stupid coconut. It's ten past three in the f*‪#‎king‬ morning!!!"

[Robbo]

......................................

[anebv8]

This Halloween I'm turning all my lights out and pretending not to be home.

Fuck the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!