Friday jokes

[anebv8]

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"
After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"
I said, "In my ear."

[YellowDog]

He was going to say "Fark me you're big" and thought better of it

[anebv8]

I used to go into the Greggs everday for Pies and sausage rolls and cakes because I fancied the girl that worked behind the counter.
It took me ages but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out.
She told me to fuck off because I was a fat cunt.

[anebv8]

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road yesterday.

Some passer-by said, "Hey, there's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."

I thought, 'Well I certainly hope he's having better luck than me.'

[gjm]

I went to the library and asked about a book covering Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell, but didn't know if it was on the shelf or not.

[anebv8]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the WINZ
to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[YellowDog]

The World Health Organisation have stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon, dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

[Stirts]

The World Health Organisation have stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon, dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

David Cameron must be shitting himself about getting testicular cancer.

[anebv8]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge

[husaberg]

The rock star economy.

[schrodingers cat]

Bloke goes into the library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide.
"Fuck off" says the librarian, "you won't bring it back."

[YellowDog]

[gjm]

Paddy decides his pet python has grown too large for him to keep, so he lists it on TradeMe.

A bloke rings up and asks "Is it big?"

Paddy says "Massive."

"How many feet?" asks the bloke.

Paddy replies "None. It's a snake, ya feckin' eejit!"

[gjm]

[Swoop]

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine!





Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.