Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Manoeuvre: A movement or series of moves requiring skill and care.

Womanoeuvre: Ramming your car into other objects and vehicles until it fits into the parking space.






(Sadly, I've personally witnessed this activity by a chinese driver, in Auckland)

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

[Robbo]

This is a stunt not to be missed..

[anebv8]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

[roogazza]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[5150]

Question of the day:

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their arses?

[Ntoxcated]

Question of the day:

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their arses?

Scratch 'n' sniff?

[Swoop]

I can't believe Scientology is trying to get away with calling itself a religion. You're not a real religion until you're responsible for at least a million deaths.





I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.

Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the first five levels of Super Mario!

[Swoop]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic".

[gjm]

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick her candy.
Jack got a shock
And a mouthful of cock
'cos Jill's real name was Randy.

[Swoop]

The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

[Swoop]

Did you know that 2 hydrogen buffalo + 1 oxygen buffalo = 1 water buffalo?

[anebv8]

probably been posted before....


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s there for five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, “How much?”
“A hundred dollars.”
“Damn. All I've got is thirty.”
“Hold on,” she says and runs back to Harry. “
What can he get for thirty dollars?”
“A handjob,” Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, “Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

[YellowDog]

A husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?
40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"