Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

An easy mistake to make

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!'

[YellowDog]

With Christmas upon us again I would like to share a personal and life changing experience with my family and friends - involving drinking and driving.

I hope you can all learn something valuable from this.

Two days ago we were in the City for an evening with friends and had a few beers and a Cheeky Pinot.

Although feeling OK we still had the sense to know that we were probably slightly over the limit. That's when we did something that we normally would not do - we actually took a cab.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since we were in a cab they waved us past and we arrived home safely without incident.


This was a real surprise, as we had never driven a cab before, we don't know where we got it and now that it's in our garage and we don't know what to do with it.

So if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas.

[gjm]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of builders turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two dollars in 10c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Placemakers deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

[seattle smitty]

Oh, haw, three good ones in a row! This one is better delivered verbally, but it's about all I have at the moment:

Two cannibals meet and greet one another in the middle of a remote jungle isle in the South Pacific. They are members of a large tribe, and not well acquainted with each other.

"So . . . how's hunting?," says the first cannibal.

"Just great!" exclaims the other. "I caught two monks this morning!"

"What? 'Monks'? You mean monkees??"

"No, no, monks. You know, like, priests. You remember a few months ago when that white mans' boat came ashore with a bunch of religious types that wanted convert us to their ways?"

"Oh, okay, yeah I remember," says the first. "We showed them a good time, and acted like we were going along with their nonsense before we rounded 'em up and dealt with them in our . . . ahem . . . usual fashion."

"That's right," said the second, "But you know a few of them escaped into the jungle? Well, I caught two of them this morning!!"

"That's great," said the first; "Ya gonna have a big feed, a shindig?"

"Oh, yeah!," says the second, "You guys are all invited. The gals are out gathering wood so we can cook 'em up this evening."

The first cannibal thinks a bit, then asks, "Uh, these "monks," how're you going to cook them?"

The second, baffled by the question, "What do you mean? We'll boil 'em in a big pot, just like we always do,"

First one, "Well now wait a minute; what were they wearing, your monks?"

Second one, even more baffled, "What were they wearing??? Shoot, I don't know, let me think, okay, they were wearing real plain brown robes, and had some sort of sandals on their feet, oh, and their heads were partly shaved, . . . ."

First cannibal, "Oh, no, you can't boil them. They're friars!"



(fryers)

[anebv8]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[gjm]

One-page karaoke

[roogazza]

When I was young I had a difficult decision to make . . . whether to be a doctor or a pilot.

On the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are physicians today. The rest of us are pilots sending jokes by email.

[5150]

So if C-3PO is a droid, why hasn't anyone programmed him to be less annoying?

[Swoop]

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time"

There won't be much food, peace or a cure for AIDS either, but I'm sure it's the lack of snow that really gets them down.

[Swoop]

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church...

[Swoop]

I received a call from the police today, telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.

"Is she okay?" I asked, worriedly.

"Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"

[AllanB]

This joke

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...ered-the-World

[Swoop]

This joke

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...ered-the-World

This is a thread for jokes, NOT trolls.
Consider yourself chastised.