Friday jokes

[husaberg]

Be patient....... wait for it.........I said be patient......
a few more seconds

I said be patient a few more seconds

[Swoop]

I'm not addicted to cocaine.

I just like the way it smells.

[husaberg]

[anebv8]

I got pulled over by the Police last night and ordered to get out of my car by some female Police officer.
"You're staggering," said the officer. "You're not a bad looking babe yourself," I replied.
So, yeah ... could any of you bail me out?

[anebv8]

A Kiwi man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Kiwi politely ignored the Australian, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The Aussie snapped his gum and said, 'You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?'
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The Aussie blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In Aussie, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Kiwi's
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted, Do you eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Kiwi replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, 'we don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to New Zealand
The Kiwi then asked, 'Do you have sex in Aussie?'
The Aussie smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Kiwi leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile.
'We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

[gjm]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

[anebv8]

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for $5.The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the $5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way.A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he"s doing.The man replies calmly, "I"m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"The officer responds, "I"m sorry, sir, I didn"t realise it was your wife."The man quickly replies, "that"s quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I.

[gjm]

"Doctor, doctor!
My sister keeps treating me the way Lucy treats Linus, and I don't like it!"

"Sounds like you've got analogy to Peanuts."

[husaberg]

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
So what’s your question?

[WristTwister]

I thought I'd add a few one liners here, even though it's not Friday.

Dating a teacher can be a little different, they always want you to put your hand up before intercourse

A lot of people txt while driving, but I guess we all do something we regret while we're drunk.

The police are going to give drivers on the spot $500 fines for bad driving, I think that's a bit sexist.

There's a special term for people who have seen ghosts, schizophrenic.

Not all fat people are jolly, some of them are women.

I saw a transvestite in a micro skirt and thought "Hmm, wearing that skirt shows a lot of balls"

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that means you're probably Australian too.

So 50 Shades of Grey was the biggest selling book so far this decade - what is the world coming too?

If anyone asks me later for sex, I'm going to have to disappoint you. I mean we can have sex, it'll just be disappointing.

[husaberg]

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...st-joke/page96

[roogazza]

Larry the Fighter Pilot



A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a NAVY Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be Larry’s whore."

[Rhys]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[J.A.W.]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped...It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Yeah..

That one done dug up a Les Dawson classic from the ol' memory banks..


Last time I saw my mother-in-law..

She was lying face down on the beer soaked floor of a local public bar, & a 1/2 doz Hells Angels were working her over..
.. whippin' on her but good, with pool cues..

My missus piped up & pushed me forwards, hissing.. "Help..help!"

I reassured her..

"Look darlin' - the 6 of 'em seem to have the situation under control, - but tell ya what.. if they can't handle it,
.. & that mean ol' bitch even looks like getting up, I'll put the bloody boot in to 'er, no worries, eh love"..

[Swoop]

David Bowie dies at 69

Alan Rickman dies at 69

Don't think I'll bother asking my girlfriend to come round tonight.