Friday jokes

[one fast tl1ooo]

REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

HOW GOOD IS THIS!!!!!




Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the Telstra's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone Soliciting.


(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls on your home phone
with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!




3: When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 50 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage- prepaid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local carpet cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Westpac.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!



It still costs them $1.00

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but hey, we need to OVERWHELM them.


Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it... Twice!

Let's help keep Australia Post busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!






If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore

[crazyhorse]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide
to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel,

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and

whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms

and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,

i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the
difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs

and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead. !'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that. ?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch. !'

'a witch! Why the hell would you say that. ?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck,

and i gave her a little bite.

Then she farted and flew out the window.....

Took my teeth with her.

[Swoop]

I wonder if Google realise that 75% of their traffic is made up of people using them as their 'emergency non-porn tab'?

[Banditbandit]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Banditbandit]

Hello, is this the police?'

Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'

Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.They swear at Rangi and leave.

The phone rings at Rangi's house.

'Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop up your firewood?'

'Yeah.'

'Happy Birthday bro!'

[Swoop]

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

[doc]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

~If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
~ If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat-Boy, Gas-man and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

~ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
~ When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY


~ A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

~ A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

~A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
~ The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 15 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

~ A woman has the last word in any argument.
~ Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

~ A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
~A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife...



MARRIAGE

~ A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
~A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does


DRESSING UP


~ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
~ A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL


~ Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
~ Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

~Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
~ A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

~ A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[one fast tl1ooo]

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie

featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.



"I don't know whether to watch them or the game",

he says to his wife.

“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.


"You already know how to play golf!"

[Banditbandit]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"Begorra - what on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.
"But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor "

[crazyhorse]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.
So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me......

[crazyhorse]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) an arsehole

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around


(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

You have just been e-mooned!

[Banditbandit]

As John arrives home his wife hands him a small package. He opens it and says excitedly, "My new Olympic condoms have arrived ... I'll think I'll go for Gold tonight."

His wife replies; "Why don't you try silver and come second for a change."

[Banditbandit]

Skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

[Swoop]

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

[Banditbandit]

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

I see what you mean.