Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My 6-year-old son asked, "Daddy, why do people pay tax?"

I replied, "Well son, we pay tax so that Apple, Amazon, Starbucks & Google don't have to."

[YellowDog]

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[YellowDog]

Two Italians chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours".

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Mario and Fabio survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Fabio asked Mario "Any idea where we are?" Mario replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year".

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Chris Evans has announced that Matt LeBlanc will co-host Top Gear with him.

You should record this, as it's the only time you'll see a ginger with a friend.

[ElCoyote]

Chris Evans has announced that Matt LeBlanc will co-host Top Gear with him.

You should record this, as it's the only time you'll see a ginger with a friend.

I resemble that remark.

Shaun Harris's Mom.

[Swoop]

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.

I thought, "Aren't they what Death sits on?"

[Swoop]

Coldplay AND Bono on the same stage at the same time.

You had your chance to gain some serious popularity points ISIL, and you fucking blew it!

[anebv8]

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.

[YellowDog]

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells...
Apparently 'Aboriginals' and 'Muslims' were not the correct answers.

A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today...
She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?"
I said "Nope, you're still black."

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, "What's wrong?"
The boy says, "Me ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus," the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks, mister... sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.."

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works much better !

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look
at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, 'I'm gonna take that!'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland ..
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him,
"Where am I ?"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back,
"You can't fool me... you're in dat basket up dere."

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors...
"You are grossly overweight," he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion," she exclaimed.
"Okay... you're ugly as well.

[roogazza]

[gjm]

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's okay though. I only have super fish oil injuries.

[5150]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

[YellowDog]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

[YellowDog]