Friday jokes

[husaberg]

[gjm]

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women are going to discuss whether that's best for his body.

[husaberg]

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women are going to discuss whether that's best for his body.

Choice joke that one.

[oldrider]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

[5150]

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q: Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
A: The man get's to see a striptease every night.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.

Q: How does a Muslim close the door?
A: Islams it.

Q: Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi?
A: He was a Shite Muslim.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?
A: Mohammered.

Q: What do you call an evil Muslim?
A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.

Q: How did you get out of Iraq?
A: Iran

Q: What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?
A: Islamic Relief.

Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East?
A: Dora the Exploder!

Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say?
A: Allah board.

Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

Q: Why are they clueless in Saudi Arabia?
A: Cause they live under Iraq.

Q: "What do you call a Muslim shrink?
A: A terrorpist."

Q: What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden's death?
A: Don't put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: What do you call a Muslim who loves to shop?
A: Abaya.

Q: Why does Iraq smell so bad?
A: Because they have alot of gas.

Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: youseen memuff

Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A: Tickle the goat under the chin.

Q: How do you get an Arabian prince to fall in love with you?
A: With a raspberry beret.

Q: What do you call a Muslim taking a bath?
A: Ali Lujah!

Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death.

Q: What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?
A: Allah Vabeer

Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A: a Selfie!

Q: Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
A: He wanted to go everywhere.

Q: What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
A: A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

Q: Did you hear about the Muslim party?
A: It was a blast.

Q. What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
A. Allow Jews to come in.

Q: What do you call a bad Muslim eye doctor?
A: Asif Eyecare

Q: What do you call a bad Lebanese oncologist?
A: Big Fata Liar.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

Q: What do you call a muslim Elvis impersonator?
A: Amal Shookup

Q: What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?
A: O'Pressive.

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there is a target on every corner.

Q: What did the warning label on the suicide bombers vest say?
A: In case of Jews, pull cord tightly!

Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?
A: Jail

Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist?
A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

Q: What do you call a Muslim looking for a toilet?
A: Mustapha Shiite

Q: What do you call an unemployed Muslim?
A: Bin Laidoff.

Q: What do you get when you cross American culture & Islam?
A: Hijabsters.

Q: What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
A: No more jokes about the profit.

[5150]

Two Boys
A Catholic boy and an Islamic boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Allah." The Islamic boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

I'm Gonna Jump
In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"

Mullah
A friend asked the mulla how old are you?
Forty replied the mullah.
The friend said but you said the samething two years ago!
Yes replied the mullah, I always stand by what I have said.

Central Park
A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" � the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" � says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Phone Call
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.

So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.

LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent.

Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"

[5150]

Handy Phrases
A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...I'll get my hat!"

[husaberg]

What kind of horses go out after dusk?


Nightmares!


What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts



What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?


Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

[husaberg]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", "No, not really, Sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are...

[Black Knight]

The previous army captain, when he first arrived, asked the staff sergeant what the men did for sex at the camp. Well sir,a camel train comes through here once a month and that satisfies the men,as a matter of fact one train is due through here at around midday tomorrow.Midday arrives,a bugle sounds and the men are off chasing the camel train-the captain catches up to the sergeant "Why are we running so fast" puffs the captain "So you don't get an ugly one" was the reply.

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

I put one of those 'No tools left in van overnight ' signs on me van yesterday.
This morning some bastard had broken in and left a note saying 'Just checking

[5150]