Friday jokes

[slofox]

This one says it all...

[5150]

This one says it all...

It would if I could read it. The thumb can't be enlarged.....

[Tazz]

Liar.

[swbarnett]

It would if I could read it. The thumb can't be enlarged.....

Go back to port #4228

[5150]

[husaberg]

[gjm]

Vote for Hilary! She won't suck!

[5150]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.

[gjm]

We've been neighbours for over 6 years.
When you borrowed my leaf blower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you hosted a 3-day, 24 hours a day, thrash metal revivial party.
When your dog decorated my front lawn, leaving dead patches of grass, you laughed.
When your kids rode past my car while pretending to joust and scratched all the way down the side, you gave me the number of your brother the builder so I could have my driveway extended.

I could go on, but I'm not one to hold a grudge.

So I'm writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire...

[oldrider]

It's just the way women think!

Husband's Text Message to wife:

Honey, I was hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to head but not likely to have any lasting effects.

Wound required 19 stitches.

I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the

left leg.

Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.

Love you......



Wife's Response :

Who the FUCK is Paula?

[5150]

[roogazza]

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,

“Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?”

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says,

“I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.

“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did…

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/X...leaner_dvd.mp4

[YellowDog]

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[Black Knight]

Have a look/listen at "The Best Of David Allan Coe Underground" on Youtube

[roogazza]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist , looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide”.


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?”


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband”.


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription".