Friday jokes

**anebv8** · 9th March 2016, 17:55

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck

went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.

"Send me lawn away to be mowed."

**anebv8** · 9th March 2016, 18:36

So i have suspected for sometime now that my wife has been seeing some man on the side. The usual red flags are there, She hides her phone screen, new underwear all the time, she goes out with "the girls" a lot! I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but i usually fall asleep.
Anyways... last night around midnight i hid behind my bike waiting for her to come home. When she got to the house, she got out of someone's car while buttoning her shirt back up, then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment while i was crouched behind my bike that i noticed a hairline crack in the rear shock linkage. Is that something i can weld or do i need to replace the whole bracket?

**awa355** · 10th March 2016, 05:02

I would suggest replacing the entire bracket.

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 20:49

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killed any?' she asked.

'Aye, 3 males and 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 20:51

We've been neighbours for over 6 years.
When you borrowed my leaf blower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you hosted a 3-day, 24 hours a day, thrash metal revivial party.
When your dog decorated my front lawn, leaving dead patches of grass, you laughed.
When your kids rode past my car while pretending to joust and scratched all the way down the side, you gave me the number of your brother the builder so I could have my driveway extended.

I could go on, but I'm not one to hold a grudge.

So I'm writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 20:53

My neighbour knocked at my door at 3am this morning! Can you believe it? 3am

Luckily, I was still up playing my drums !

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 20:57

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens centre . After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique-gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized and then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Old Peoples' Home. Claude was never invited there again.

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 20:58

There were three women; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette says: "You'll never guess what I found in my daughters handbag yesterday when she got home from school! I found a Gun, I can't believe she's a criminal!"

Then the redhead replies: "God! In my daughters bag I found a bag off drugs! I can't believe she uses drugs!"

Finally the blonde says: "I found a condom in my daughters bag! I can't believe she has a penis!"

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 21:01

Can the Scots here verify?

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

'£85 pounds for an extraction sir', the dentist replied.

'85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?'

'That's the normal charge', said the dentist.

'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?'

'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 off.

Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?

I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20'

'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'

'It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic.'

'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman. 'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 21:09

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you.'

'But,' he continues, 'As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide which one you want.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Margaret Thatcher and a large pool of water. She kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

'No!' commented George. 'I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, Oh yeah boy! I reckon I can sure handle this.'

The devil smiled and said;
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'OK Monica, you're free to go!'

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 21:17

A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by ISIS and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Signaller pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the Browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 21:20

Quote
My small grandson got lost in the Westfield Centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my granda"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little shit hesitated for a moment and then replied, "A pint of beer and women with big tits."

:shock: lol

**Laava** · 10th March 2016, 21:22

Rod Stewart, Tom Jones and Elton John are walking down the road reminiscing about the good old days. Rod says to Tom “Are you still getting loads of knickers thrown at you? Tom replies “Nah, too old now, that’s all gone. Are you still getting loads of fit models throwing themselves at you”? Rod replies “Nah that’s all gone too”. Just then they see Kylie Minogue walking towards them who suddenly trips over, gets her head stuck in some railings with her arse pointing upwards. Rod says to Tom “Do you fancy some of that Tom” Tom replies “Phwoar not arf” Both Rod and Tom then have their wicked way with Kylie. Rod then turns to Elton “ Do you not fancy some of this Elton?” Elton replies “I’d love to lads but I don’t think my head would fit in the railings”