Friday jokes

[oldrider]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fixem, put em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"

[5150]

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A football player, an illegal immigrant, and a Muslim are in a car whose driving?
The Police Officer.

What's black and always in the back of a police car?
The seat.

Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
Me: "Tits."

Police: "Open up!" ...
Me: "NO! You're gonna yell at me

(Police sirens)
Police: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?

Cop: "Were going to have to give you a drug test."
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"

[YellowDog]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of hummus and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA.

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

A policeman stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. The policeman said "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leant into the back and said: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!”

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bugger that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital - One's in a korma ... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

The sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Moi]

Did think of putting this in General Maintenance... but thought better of it

Tool Ed101

Many tools don't come with instructions - this may help.

Phillips screwdrivers come in several forms (like cheese): sharp, medium and blunt. They are designed to tear out the head of any screw, and to open cans of brake fluid. Use the sharp one on the can of brake fluid, the blunt one will cause squirts of fluid to seek out and destroy any painted surface within range.

Electric drills are useful to find out how fast a pop-rivet has to be spun in order to then need the next size rivet, Also, electric drills can turn Chinese drill bits a really pretty blue.

Vice-grips can turn tubing into flat strip, eliminating that empty space in the middle. Also they can be used to hold stuff to other stuff while drilling the wrong sized holes in the wrong place, again.

Portable grinders are able to find eyeballs, nose-hair and anything else flammable with those pretty sparks. They usually come with guards that get in the way, so are discarded, and lost.

A drill-press should be powerful enough to grab that metal bar out of your (soon to be bloody stump) hand, spin at mega-revs, inches from your belly, family jewels or throat, depending on your height, before flying off towards the most expensive item in your workshop. Failing that it will fly through the closest window into your neighbour's (the one you don't like) classic Yugo, causing $30 damage and almost totalling it.

Air wrenches are used to break bolts and make really cool noises, like a tyre-shop, wheee-wheee.

A tool box is a thing of mystery where the tool you looked for yesterday, and couldn't find, is now right on top! Also any adhesives in the box will burst open gluing all your favourite tools into one big lump. Also any tool you put in the drawers will swell up so you can no longer open that drawer, till the swelling goes down.

Box cutters, with a 1-inch blade will cut 3 inches into whatever came in that cardboard box you are opening.

Wire strippers will only cut both wire and insulation until the wire is now too short.

Hose cutters will always cut hoses too short.

Hammers are handy gadgets to bend nails and put dents in things.

If your soldering iron starts burning your hand hold the other end.

Worn-out six point sockets can be sold as 'barn-find' Whitworth sockets.

Electrical testers can 'let the smoke out' of any device connected to it, and can be used to start fires without matches.

Rotating wire brushes remove finger prints (from fingers) and fling little bits of wire into eye-balls.

Magnets are used to remove little bits of wire from eyeballs, and have fun with grandma's pacemaker.

Hacksaws will cut anything, but not straight.

Funnels, little end down, usually get the stuff all over the bench.

[gjm]

Here's an idea for a totally unethical reality show.

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house.
The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay.
Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, *or* the straight man is out.
If the gay men manage to vote the straight guy out, they win 1 million dollars.
If the straight man is one of the last 2 people in the house, he wins 1 million dollars.



Like any reality show we need a twist. A gamechanger.
How about... None of the men are actually gay: they all think they are the one straight guy...?

[RGVforme]

Here's an idea for a totally unethical reality show.

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house.
The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay.
Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, *or* the straight man is out.
If the gay men manage to vote the straight guy out, they win 1 million dollars.
If the straight man is one of the last 2 people in the house, he wins 1 million dollars.



Like any reality show we need a twist. A gamechanger.
How about... None of the men are actually gay: they all think they are the one straight guy...?

Been done in 2004.....Show was called... Playing it straight...with various spin offs....

[roogazza]

[5150]

[oldrider]

A (nameless KB'r ) FANCIES A GOOD NIGHT KISS!

One night a KB guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or otherwise I can do it... or if need be Mum says she can come down herself and do it... But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

[Moi]

A (nameless KB'r ) FANCIES A GOOD NIGHT KISS!

One night a KB guy takes his girlfriend home...

But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Not all technology has made life easier...

[Smifffy]

Not all technology has made life easier...

I dunno about that, he got parental & sibling approval, as well as 2 good leads if he's denied....

[Moi]

I dunno about that, he got parental & sibling approval, as well as 2 good leads if he's denied....

True... but did he get first choice?

[oldrider]

True... but did he get first choice?

He might be right into sloppy seconds! - That was a good offer he got even by today's standards!

[idb]

True... but did he get first choice?

He's a KBer...he doesn't care.

[Swoop]

"Booze Bus".

What an utter joke. I specifically ordered a dry martini and then waited ages without a waitress delivering.
1:10. Would not order there again.

(The 1 point was only for their convenient drive-through and central Auckland location)