Friday jokes

[5150]

14 Reasons to live in Auckland ....



1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared
unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the
transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that
Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere
to live.
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal
for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid
haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and
cultural groupings that you can fit in no matter what kind of dork
you are.
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like
calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise
staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt
Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been
extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland's town planners thoughtfully laid out Auckland over
a large area so that when you are in Auckland the statistical
chances of running into an Aucklander are as low as possible.
8. Believing that City Life is a quality New Zealand drama and
that Shortland Street is a showcase for up and coming New Zealand
talent doesn't seem so ridiculous when everyone else thinks so too.
9. The Auckland Rugby Union names its team after a
colour just in case they had any deaf supporters.
10. Auckland is the nation's Prozac. People who don't live in
Auckland use that fact to ward off depression.
11. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien
invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest
urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way. While
the aliens waste their time assaulting our decoy the rest of us
will have time to organise a counter strike. This aspect of
Auckland has taken on added significance since the discovery of
life on Mars.
12. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their
way to Wellington.
13. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic
inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the
middle of the city.
14. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology.
Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui.
Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and
Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.

[5150]

WESTIE OLYMPICS



(you might have to be an Aucklander for this one....)

WAITAKERE CITY - OLYMPICS 2016
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2016, the
organisers of Waitakere City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the New Lynn area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS.
In previous Olympic games, Waitakere's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT.
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES.
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.).

HAMMER THROW.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer (claw, sledge etc)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm
to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
style wages delivery man.

BOXING.
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Red
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS.
Competitors will be asked to break into the Kelston Boy's bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

THE MARATHON.
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING.
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge over the Whau Creek. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK.
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Waitakere City.

GYMNASTICS.
Will now be held in an abandoned meat works, and will include carcass
vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.
All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica

RELAY.
Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house
in New Lynn and getting back to Henderson using at least four stolen cars.

WRESTLING.
The rules will now specify that competitors must be topless and jelly will be involved.

BASEBALL.
Requires contestants to line up with steel baseball bats. The medal will be
awarded to the last man standing.

DISCUS.
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and
throw it to his mate the fastest.

ROWING.
The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre skull and promises to
be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY.
Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the
Titirangi Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Henderson Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[5150]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, hewould get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses.:lol

[5150]

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman

I hate sexism. Sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women.

Q: How do you know if a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She starts out with, "A man once told me...."

Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None. It should be already open by the time she brings it.

[YellowDog]

100% Effective

[husaberg]

............................

[anebv8]

When my wife left,I was sad,upset and lonely.
Since then,I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike,shagged 2 woman and spent a grand on drugs and beer.

She's going to go fucking mental when she get's home from work.

[Smifffy]

When my wife left,I was sad,upset and lonely.
Since then,I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike,shagged 2 woman and spent a grand on drugs and beer.

She's going to go fucking mental when she get's home from work.

No imagination. A good tear jerking story about the dog might get you a good blowie. No reason she needs to know about the rest.

[husaberg]

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

St. Peter was standing there, beside Heaven's Door, when he suddenly felt he needed to go to the toilet, so asked Jesus to stand in for a few minutes....
Jesus said: "Any special thing that I should be aware of...???"
"Not actually.....well, if you see anyone coming in, please ask his name, age, address, etc.... and ask him to please hold on some minutes...", replied St. Peter...

Some fifteen minutes later, an old, white bearded, hunched gent, came to the doors and asked to get in.....
"Your name, Sir?"...asked Jesus...
"Can't remember..."... said the old gent....
"Your hometown.?"
"Can't remember..."
"Age...?"
"Can't remember..."

"Well.....do you remember anything from your previous life?"

"Oh, yes, insolent rascal.......I remember I lived in a very small town......I remember I worked as a carpenter........and even more, I remember I had a very well known son, wich everyone loved and appreciated..."

With tears in his eyes, Jesus cried......."DAD, OH, DAD....!!!!!"

The old man replied.....


"Pinocchio....!!!!!!"

[5150]

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.

Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.

What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.

Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas? My bike.

Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones? Because they were still monkeys.

How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.

[husaberg]

[Banditbandit]

Job Interview

Interviewer: What would you consider is your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Applicant: I don't give a flying fuck what you think!

[anebv8]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd