Friday jokes

[nothingflash]

OK one for the music download thieves among us.

So would that be rape or shop lifting?

[doc]

Bubba And The Cough Syrup


A pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks Bubba, his new pharmasist assistant, 'What's with that guy over there by the wall?'

Bubba responds, 'Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I
gave him an entire bottle of liquid laxative.'

The pharmacist yells, 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!'

Bubba responds, 'Of course you can! Look at him .. he's afraid to cough.'

[nadroj]

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she
is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too,
are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one
little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie,
why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she
replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a
Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and
proud of it,"
Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks
fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well,"
said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to
be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the
time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would
you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

[Swoop]

It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.


'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''


Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.


The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'


She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'


'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'


At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'


The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'


Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'


Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'


Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'


The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

[crazyhorse]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said,
"Yes, I did He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Swoop]

I just bought a new race horse today and I decided to call it "MY FACE".
I don't care about it winning or even about the money, I just wanna see it
running down the home straight and all those posh women shouting, "COME
ON!", "COME ON MY FACE!"

[avgas]

I'd buy her a house.

Likewise - does that make us suckers?
Is nobility dead?

Are our dicks too powerful?

[Hinny]

Are our dicks too powerful?

Undoubtedly, indisputably, certainly, irrefutably, unarguably, incontestably, For sure Bro!

[Swoop]

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.

[crazyhorse]

Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit

[crazyhorse]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts: "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies: "gold, silver and bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.



The wife responds wryly: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

[Smifffy]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Swoop]

A man seeking to join the NZ Police force is being interviewed by a Sergeant in Invercargill.

The interviewer says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six Maoris on welfare, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a wood pigeon. "

"Why the wood pigeon?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Banditbandit]

A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the rugby world and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."


"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head..."No. They're all at the funeral."

[Swoop]

Don't you think it's about time that chess came into the 21st century and desegregated the blacks and whites?