Friday jokes

[husaberg]

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
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[pete376403]

Of course -how else is Trump going to appeal to the southern white males?

[bbnet]

My new girlfriend, Eileen (who sadly lost one of her legs in a scooter accident), recently got a tattoo of a beautiful conch shell on her inner thigh. When you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean!

[roogazza]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes
you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, “How very sporting of your mother!”

[YellowDog]

A woman in her fifties is happily jumping up and down on her bed a squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and then asks "Do you realise just how ridiculous you look? What the hell's a matter with you?"

The woman continues bouncing up and down on the bed and states: "I don't care what you think. I just returned from having a mammogram and my doctor tells me I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies: "What did he say about your 55 year old arse?"

She replies, "He never mentioned you at all."

[anebv8]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Tony Abbott , the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

[anebv8]

There was a documentary on the telly about vegetarian cavemen.
Apparently they died out earlier than the cavemen who ate meat.
They didn't starve though.
They got killed by the meat-eaters for fucking constantly wittering on about why they became vegetarians.

[anebv8]

I was watching this crippled man in a wheelchair and he caught me staring at him. He said, "What are you staring at? I can do things better than you do. My arms are stronger than your legs".
I said, "I can run and masturbate at the same time".

[anebv8]

If I was a woman in a locker room, I'd walk around naked with a doll's arm sticking out of my vagina, and bask in all the horrified stares.

[anebv8]

I've just been speaking to the ex-wife about my visiting rights with our kids.
She says I can see them two Sundays a month.
But I think I can haggle her down to just once.

[anebv8]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[bbnet]

Q: How do you rescue a one armed blonde hanging in a tree?

A: Wave to her.

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

The UK left the EU, now Australia is leaving the AU.

It's how they already say it