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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #16
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    A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
    She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
    She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
    The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
    The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
    The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  2. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post







    I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.



    A bit like the bloke who didn't know the difference between incest and arson....




    he set fire to his sister
    Member, sem fiddy appreciation society


    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessBandit View Post
    I find it ironic that the incredibly rude personal comments about Les were made by someone bearing an astonishing resemblance to a Monica Lewinsky dress accessory.

    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessBandit View Post
    All was good until I realised that having 105kg of man sliding into my rear was a tad uncomfortable after a while

  3. #18
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    ATTENTION!

    Since it is Friday it's important that you read the following:

    A scientific study has concluded that beer contains large quantities of the female hormone oestrogen.
    These findings have been based upon extensive field studies and have focused upon several specific symptoms in male test subjects ingesting beer.
    These symptoms are as follows:

    1) Subjects exhibit an increased tendency towards talking about random subjects with little to no coherence.
    2) The subjects suffer from substantial impairment of hand-to-eye coordination and judgement - particularly reduced is the ability to operate heavy machinery such as motorvehicles.
    3) Subjects looses the ability to stand upright while urinating.
    It is preferential to refrain from the utilisation of grandiose verbiage in the circumstance that your intellectualisation can be expressed using comparatively simplistic lexicological entities. (...such as the word fuck.)

    Remember your humanity, and forget the rest. - Joseph Rotblat

  4. #19
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    Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
    Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
    Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
    The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
    The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
    Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
    By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
    The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  5. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mikkel View Post
    ATTENTION!
    A scientific study has concluded that beer contains large quantities of the female hormone oestrogen.
    These findings have been based upon extensive field studies and have focused upon several specific symptoms in male test subjects ingesting beer.
    These symptoms are as follows:
    You missed summat:
    Heavy ingestion apparently causes men to grow breasts and to look pregnant.
    ... and that's what I think.

    Or summat.


    Or maybe not...

    Dunno really....


  6. #21
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    Government officials are considering putting health warnings on alcoholic drinks. Instead of that, print a picture of an ugly fat chick on the label. When you start fancying her you've had too much!
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  7. #22
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    Kelly is so fat, he shows up on radar.

    The guy is so fat, he leaves footprints in concrete!

    Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

    One guy was so fat, he had his own area code.

    You are so fat NASA orbits satellites around you.

    Kelly is so big, he plays hopscotch like, "Texas...Alabama...North Carolina...Pennsylvania..."

    I know a lady named Paulette that is so fat she has to wake up in sections.

    And then there is Judy. She has so many double chins she looks like she is staring at you over a pile of pancakes.

    Seriously though, Judy isn’t fat, she insists she’s just 4 feed too short.

    But Paulette takes the cake. Once she jumped into the gulf here in Panama City and the tide came in at Myrtle Beach.

    Your mama's so fat, when she broke her leg, gravy poured out!

    Kelly is so fat, they use his belt to measure the Earth's equator.

    The guy is so fat, if someone would melt him down, they'd have enough oil to power Detroit for a month!

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
    The other one says "So are you, you fat pig!"

    Kelly is so fat, if he wore a GoodYear hat, he'd look like a blimp.

    You are so fat you were baptized in Sea World.

    You are so fat, you had your baby pictures taken by satellite.

    Kelly is so fat, people jog around him for exercise.

    Jim is so fat when they step on the scale it says, "No live stock please."

    Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

    Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo

    Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

    Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or Meatloaf!"

    Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get to her GOOD side.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  8. #23
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    Drafting Guys over 60 ---- obviously written by a Former Soldier-
    New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
    If nothing else, put them on border patrol..... they will have it secured the first night!
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  9. #24
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    Farting All The Time
    Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

    Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

    The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

    Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
    "Hmm," says the Doctor,

    He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

    The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

    "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  10. #25
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    A woman who is beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
    Doctor: What happened?"
    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
    Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
    Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

    Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  11. #26
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    Wooden Leg Insurance


    I Always did find the New Zealand Logic a little different from most others!!!

    A man and his wife, moved back home to Wellington, from Sydney.
    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Sydney was $2000...00 a year!
    When they arrived in Wellington, they went to an insurance agency to
    see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the
    computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
    Wellington to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Sydney!

    The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
    'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure,
    with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  12. #27
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    Wine DOES NOT make you FAT



    it makes you LEAN...

    . . .against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  13. #28
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    If you find yourself with a bit of spare time on your hands before beer'o'clock - go here: http://skippyslist.com/list/
    It is preferential to refrain from the utilisation of grandiose verbiage in the circumstance that your intellectualisation can be expressed using comparatively simplistic lexicological entities. (...such as the word fuck.)

    Remember your humanity, and forget the rest. - Joseph Rotblat

  14. #29
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
    A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

    Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
    A. A navel.

    Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
    A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

    Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
    A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

    Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
    A. A Klondike Bar

    Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

    Q. Why don't women wear watches?
    A. There's a clock on the stove!

    Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

    Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
    A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

    Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

    Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
    A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

    Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
    A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

    Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

    Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
    A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

    Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
    A. Love doesn't last forever.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  15. #30
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    Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
    A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

    Q. Why do women have small feet?
    A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Q. Why do men die before their wives?
    A. They want to.

    Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
    A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

    Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
    A. ET phoned home.

    Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
    A. It doesn't need cleaning.

    Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
    A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

    Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
    A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

    Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
    A. Brothel sprouts.

    Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
    A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

    Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
    A. Clitty litter

    Q. I married Miss Right.
    A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

    Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

    Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
    A. He's smoking a cigarette.

    Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    A. He worked it out with a pencil.

    Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
    A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

    Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
    A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

    Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
    A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

    Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
    A. "Is it in?"

    Q. What is the cheapest meat?
    A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

    Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
    A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

    Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
    A. The captains log.

    Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
    A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

    Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
    A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

    Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
    A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

    Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
    A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

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