Friday jokes

[98tls]

Guy walks into a stealership and says "want a gas cap for my Harley" salesman mulls it over and replies "yep fair swap".

[YellowDog]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!

[slofox]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!

[husaberg]

[YellowDog]

Nothing wrong with this happy family photo

[roogazza]

xxxx

[Swoop]

................

[YellowDog]

Anyone seen my puppy?

[5150]

total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

So where does Katman fit in all this?

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

[YellowDog]

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation
during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal. The
first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy
business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman
from Mount Isa , Queensland

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful
mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?

The first woman continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a
beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on,
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me
this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first
child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount
Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What
could they teach you?"

The Mount Isa lady responded,
"Well as an example... instead of saying, ‘Who gives a Fuck?’ I
learned to say, ‘Well, isn't that fantastic?’

[roogazza]

[slofox]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

[Grumph]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

Taihape I'd have thought...But I know people at Skellerup's, I'll ask....

I like it - much better than some of the pseudo cafe/bobber rubbish.